Changes
by MartyTheRookieWriter
Summary: Peter Parker struggles between graduating and saving New York as Spider-Man. Because of this, he barely has time for a relationship. There is Deadpool, who obviously admires Spider-Man, if not straight up in love with him. After a college tour, Peter finds himself possibly attracted to both men and women. Can Deadpool finally win his heart? Love is a mysterious thing.
1. Chapter 1

"Who reads newspapers anymore?" Deadpool tears the Daily Bugle's front page. "Anyone could just google a picture of Spidey," He holds four thumbtacks with his teeth. "Print it out, and pin it on the wall for their deepest, most perverted desires." He pins each corner of the picture. Deadpool stares at the many pictures of Spider-Man on his wall. "These are some tasteful pictures. I wonder if baby boy has a naughty side."

_Menace? Who is this Johnson prick fooling?__  
_

Deadpool grabs a permanent marker. He uncaps the lid. Deadpool crosses out the dreaded word 'menace'. He soon replaces the disgusting slanderous word with the lovely phrase 'Property of Deadpool'. Deadpool adds his self-drawn logo next to the beautiful words. He finishes his improvement with hearts around Spider-Man's face.

"Oh, Spidey!" Deadpool blows kisses at the pictures. "Baby boy! The hero that makes the Big Apple worth living in."

The moonlight glimmers upon his lonely apartment window. Deadpool briefly removes his mask to get a good look at himself in the mirror.

"He totally seems like the guy who would love someone for the inside." He shakes his head and places it back on. "I hope."

Spider-Man swings through the streets of New York. He quietly enters his window so May doesn't realize he is gone. He keeps his door locked just in case. His recorder hasn't been working lately. He soon passes out.

Peter wakes up by a loud knock. The sunlight harshly hits his face.

"Peter?" He could hear May's feeble voice.

Peter stares at his clock. It is a half hour until 8. Peter wakes up startled. He jams his supplies in his backpack.

"I'm up! I'll leave in a minute!"

Peter zips up a jacket to cover up his costume. He rushes to leave the apartment.

"Love you!" Peter cries out as he closes the door.

Peter checks his watch. "Great." Peter mutters. "Swinging will get me to school faster.

Peter stuffs the jacket into his backpack. He puts his mask over his face. He turns to his right to see an open window down a hallway. He heads towards the window.

He is now Spider-Man. He crawls onto the buildings, where the citizens can see the masked hero. He waves to the little kids as he happens to see them.

Spider-Man just happens to swing by Deadpool's apartment. Deadpool's morning is made as the beloved Spider-Man passes by him.

"Is this my birthday!" Deadpool gleefully exclaims. "I ought to say hi to Spidey. Before the big boys go pick on him."

Deadpool opens his window and begins to step out. "To infinity and beyond!" Deadpool screams to the heavens as he leapss out of his window. He lands on a car on his feet. Luckily.

_Was that a good idea? __  
_

_Sure, it is! You can never have enough Deadpool. We can't.__  
_

"Healing factor! Remember? Spidey would love if his best friend said hi!" Deadpool strolls down the streets.

_"Why walk when we can teleport?" __  
_

"Right!" Deadpool presses a button on his teleportation device.

"Thank god." Spider-Man sighs in relief. "I made it."

Deadpool finds Spider-Man at Midtown High School. "What is Spidey doing at a high school?"

_Maybe he is a guest speaker!__  
_

_Or he teaches at this school.__  
_

Deadpool observes as Spider-Man start to remove his costume. Deadpool teleports to get a closer look at the merchandise. The Spider Sense triggers for Spider-Man. A sword nearly cuts throgh Spider-Man's mask.

"Here's Deadpool!" Deadpool's face appears on a bush.

"Deadpool!" Spider-Man steps backwards. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you, baby boy!" Deadpool stood with wide, open arms.

"I'm busy!" Spider-Man swings away.

"Come on, Spidey!" Deadpool follows behind him. "You know you love me!

Spider-Man grows desperate to find a secluded spot. Spider-Man finds an open window in the bathroom. Spider-Man swings into an empty stall.

"I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying, And I'm crazy for loving you!" Deadpool's ostentatious singing fills the bathroom. The noise becomes more audible, leaving Spider-Man little time to switch identities.

Spider-Man can hear shatters of broken glass. He notices a few pieces land on the tile floor. He quickly closes the backpack. The lock on the stall came apart.

"I'm back, baby boy!" Deadpool bursts the door open. To his disappointment, he saw a bespectacled brunette with indistinct features.

"Huh."

Peter suddenly has a gun pointed in front of him.

"You didn't happen to see Spider-Man, have you?"

"Nope." Peter lies. "I, I, I mean, he just swung by here."

"Awesome. Everything is awesome." Deadpool puts the gun back in his satchel. "Here's my card if you need to get rid of someone."

As Spider-Man expected, the card was titled with Deadpool's name. What popped out was the slogan 'Merc With A Mouth'. The logo was an amateur doodle of Deadpool's mask. Or as Spider-Man would rather put it, an idealized self-portrait. Spider-Man merely rips the card in half.

Deadpool washes the blood off the boots that came from his last assignment. Because Deadpool has a life outside of Spider-Man, believe it or not. There are some other places he ought to clean up too. But he didn't want to yet. He sighs deeply. "Death."

Deadpool can't ignore the crippling loneliness after he encounters Death. He might see Death again for weeks, maybe months. He can't forget the kisses they exchanged. The tender moments they spent cuddling after a brief romp under the full moon. That Death reciprocates his love. The many attempts to commit to Death. The pile of guns from all the failures to be with Death for once and forever. Why couldn't he forget? Why couldn't their affair be a blur? Deadpool draws the name on the mirror.

Deadpool lazes around on his couch. He scratches his crotch with a gun.

_You'll shoot yourself in the crotch that way._

"Healing factor."

Death is one love Deadpool can never stop loving. And Spider-Man has been the latest one to fills that void.

Now that Spider-Man has popped up in his mind, he feels a need to see him. He scrolls down his bookmark page. Deadpool clicks on the Spider-Man wiki page.

Over nine thousand comments were visible on his latest blog post. A section of Spider-Man is blatantly displayed on his webpage. Deadpool excitefully browses the Spider-Man pictures which took him years to collect.

Deadpool can envision Spider-Man's reaction to the pictures, stories, and cosplays that their rabid fanbase dedicates regarding the two of them.

"A better fanfiction would write that I googled his address or search him on Spokeo." Deadpool crosses his arms. "That's so stupid! Everyone knows you look at a wiki!"

Deadpool prints out the page. He highlights Spider-Man's secret identity. "Boy, is Spidey in for a surprise."

Spider-Man tosses his suit into a random pile of clothes. There stands a stack of study guides from the desk to high up the ceiling that welcome his arrival. There is only so much that poor overachiever Peter Parker can cram the night before an important test.

He unfolds a flier. Peter has signed up to take a tour of Empire State University. The overly optimistic guidance counselor told him that he possibly has a full scholarship ride to any university he desires. And she added that he has the potential to enroll in Harvard.

"Not at this rate." Peter chuckles darkly to himself.

There could be classes to meet in ESU, peers who would respect his intelligence in ESU, a place where he could explore himself somewhere in Queens. Peter passes out on his suddenly comfy bed.

"Peter?" He hears May knock on his door. "When did you get home?"

"Just now, Auntie."

Aunt May smiles to herself. She is relieved that her darling nephew has a great future ahead of him. Ben would have been proud of Peter too if he was still around.

"This is Spidey?" Deadpool says as he scrolls through the pictures of an individual known as Peter Parker. "He looks familiar. Nah. I would have remembered a guy with eyes like that. I love them hazel eyes. Mmm. He looks like a mix of Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield. Really hot!"

He writes down the name 'Peter Benjamin Parker' on a used-up Post-It. "If the wiki say it is, than it must be true." Deadpool concocted a plan in his head.

He sets down a bunch of Deadpool dolls as an audience to announce his beautiful plan.

"Deadpools and Deadpools, Dr. Bong and Madcap, readers of all ages; I have the perfect plan!"

_How in the world did you find all of these?__  
_

_Ebay! Duh!_

"Tomorrow, I will-"

The rest of the sentence is quietly incomplete and not at all tampered by Deadpool. The reason why the sentence had to be incomplete due to everyone that reads this knows Deadpool will go back to Midtown High tomorrow and cause a ruckus in order to gain Spider-Man's attention. The shortened sentences may occur at any time Deadpool would like altered. Again, Deadpool did not tamper this sentence despite the fact that Deadpool signed it as 'edited by Deadpool' in big red letters with a hand-drawn logo of himself.

Deadpool quietly hints to the writer to transition the next scene to said plan so the readers will continue to read this garbage. Because so far, this fanfiction is garbage. Don't deny this fanfiction is garbage. This fanfiction is garbage and everybody that proofreads it knows it. Do not try to read any more of this garbage. Seriously. You will regret it. Except nobody can stop you. You have been warned.

The writer complies and not without a gun pointed to their face at all. This is the perfect opportunity to transition to next scene.

Which brings us to the next scene. Peter is ready to tour ESU. The reason why there is no scene of how he gets there is because Deadpool insists to only include the juicy details as opposed to this garbage that has been in the 1st chapter so far.

Deadpool glanced at the writer's notes to follow the plan which he totally came up with all by himself. "Ok!" He read the chicken-scratch for handwriting that was on the paper. "It says, I think, 'Deadpool will follow the bus without anyone seeing him'. Then it says 'until the plot is convenient, Deadpool will jump at the top of the bus which will make Spider-Man arrive when it happens'." Deadpool tucks the notebook back into his magic satchel. "Thank you for making this so easy!"

Back to the plot. Again. Sort of. At the right time, Deadpool takes the opportunity to hold the bus in place. This event trigger Peter's Spider Sense. When Peter looks out the window, he spots Deadpool on top of the bus.

"If the writer is correct, Spidey will swing by any second." Deadpool waits for this moment to occur.

Luckily for Peter, the emergency door was open. He takes the chance to sneak out while Deadpool offers autographs to the students.

Deadpool feels a familiar substance hit the back of his head. He turns around to see Spider-Man perching.

"Spidey!" Deadpool wraps his arm around Spider-Man's shoulder. "Baby boy! Just who I wanted to see!"

"Stay away from the kids, Deadpool!" Spider-Man commands.

"Relax, baby boy."

Spider-Man hears the kids whisper, even Flash, who squeals over the excitement of two Spider-Men like a boss.

There was orignally an action scene written here. No matter how many times Deadpool has observed the unfortunate person write the scene for this fanfiction, the paragraph, notes, and ideas have magically disappeared. If you look at the account somewhere, you can see an IOU note with Deadpool's logo on it. Said writer who was promised to be paid to write a certain smutty delusional fantasy of a fanfiction gave up on fighting to write said epic action scene.

The best that could be written is Deadpool totally won the fight. That is exactly why the action scene was omitted. Deadpool just wants the plot to advance to the juicy stuff every rabid shipper has been waiting for. The most that can be written is Spider-Man sets the camera so there would be a picture of his fight. Just in case Jameson wants pictures of Spider-Man.

Ignore those last 2 paragraphs. It is only a pathetic attempt from Deadpool to cover up the fact that he got his ugly ass rejected and ass kicked. Again. The 100th time tallied. By a beloved hero who is not only younger and smarter and sexier than him, but shorter too. There is an action scene that was thankfully preserved in some secret notes which involved the poor thing having to hide it in their lower regions.

To their defense, it makes perfect sense to include some action scenes about two characters who fight bad guys regularly. Which has action scenes in them. All the time. The story about how this popular duo would make a compatible couple would be boring as hell without what makes them the best damn thing about these two: action scenes. The story will be damned if there are no action scenes whatsoever in this story and most of it just consists of these two randomly doing the do. No risk to make said story appear lazy with no relationship development. Not that Deadpool gives a fuck about these critical factors.

This is what happened. Spider-Man grows infuriated with Deadpool because Deadpool tried to hug Spider-Man. Spider-Man is creeped out. Again. Never saw anyone tried so hard to squirm away from someone. Can't blame him.

Contrary to what Deadpool tells everyone, Spider-Man always keeps his distance from Deadpool. Deadpool, as always, brushes this off. It is a fact that the words "You don't have to hide our love!" are forever annoying to Spider-Man thanks to this guy.

Deadpool holds a sword in his hand. He swings it at Spider-Man. Spider-Man avoids the attack. Spider-Man does the unthinkable. Nobody sees this coming. He kicks Deadpool in the groin.

Spider-Man has to come up with a solution and it has to be fast. He scans his surroundings. He slings a web among a pole. He landed in an area that nobody approaches.

After Deadpool is finally got rid of by Spider-Man, he changes back to Peter Parker.

And as you can tell, Deadpool is watching. He is always watching. Pretty creepy, but only in fanfiction is being creepy ok.

The college tour starts almost without Peter. Peter appears to have a bruised jaw. "Klutz." He hears someone under their breath.

Peter snaps pictures of the university. If he is lucky, Jameson might use the pictures instead of demanding pictures of his alter-ego that would end up with his name smeared. Again.

"Is this the class of Midtown High? Hi, my name is Harry. I am a sophmore of ESU."

When Peter looks up, the first thing he becomes struck by is Harry's appearence. His light brown hair is neatly combed. His eyes shone among the sky. His smiles dazzles the females of the tour, as well as a few guys. His attire is eye-pleasing along with well-dressed. Peter could feel his face heat up. He tries to hide his trembling. He barely makes eye contact. The feelings he experience are unfamiliar to him. He never felt so strongly allured from another person's appearance before. Spider-Man took over his social life more than he could estimate.

Deadpool is right behind them. As said before, Deadpool is always watching. How, you ask?

Remember the part where there was an overly excited kid who took pictures of the school? Deadpool discovers a name on a camera that was set up on top of a pole which only few people could see. Peter Parker, it said. If only Spider-Man was more discreet with the camera.

"The wiki was right!" Deadpool whispers to himself. "Peter Parker is Spider-Man."

_It is not like the wiki has ever been wrong._

Peter's grin widens as he inhales the atmosphere of ESU. What Midtown High has, ESU made it better. There was a science building section. There was beautiful landscape. Hundreds of diverse student among the campus. Peter continues to take pictures of the university.

"Do you like it here?" Harry slaps Peter's shoulder playfully.

Peter nods his head. A lump formed in his throat.

Deadpool's expression can't be seen below the mask, but he is fuming upon witnessing how lovestruck this supposedly Spider-Man is.

"What is your major?" Harry asks.

"Umm, science. I love science."

"Good one! I am a business major."

The longer Deadpool observes their interactions, the more tempted he is to smite the competition. The voices inside his head attempt to calm him down in vain. And they went like this.

_Don't be jealous. That guy is a dime a dozen._

_That kid looks straight. Or lonely, that is._

"What does that pretty boy goody-goody have?" Deadpool whines. "With his Archie hair and Goofy Goof smile and that stupid Howdy Doody fat face?"

Harry shook Peter's hand. "Harry Osborn. Can't wait to see you at ESU. With your achievements, you are a shoo-in for ESU. Maybe even Harvard."

"Peter Parker. Thanks. I, I will."

Deadpool's pager went off. "You're lucky, Harry Osbooboo."

_The reader sure missed what those kids were talking about._

_Which wouldn't have happened if Wade didn't go on a jealous rampage._

Nothing csn remove the smile off of Peter's face. Harry gave him some advice to help his entry to ESU be guaranteed.. Harry was happy to offer the scholarships Peter could apply for. And there was some text messages that help feel like he has company.

That last part would have been true if he actually had a social circle.

Spider-Man perches from the top of the Empire State building. The reliable Spider Sense goes off. Spider-Man sees that a woman is fleeing from a thug. Her face is full of fear. Spider-Man swings to the alley.

Deadpool storms down the streets. He couldn't forget how struck Peter was about the man he met at the college.

"Osborn, is it?" Deadpool said in a deeper pitch than normal. "As in Osborn Industries?" A familiar swinging webhead passes him.

"Whoa! Is that Spidey?" Deadpool beams, although no one can see his face underneath the mask.

Why his face appears needs to be described, despite the fact no one can see it (especially with a mask) is unclear. Although if anyone can imagine it, Deadpool's tone, as well as words can give away how he feels whenever the topic of Spider-Man is brought up. Character facial expressions have to be left to interpretation when reading about something rather than looking at pictures.

The whole paragraph Deadpool manages to let slip through the cracks gives him enough time to concoct a plan. A plan that will definitely work this time. Which better work if said story wants to be told beyond one chapter.

Spider-Man faces the thug. Thug stands still. Thug merely observes Spider-Man. Spider-Man approaches to Thug.

"Give that back to her!"

"Spider-Man. A short guy running in spandex." Thug says in a mocking tone. "Ooh, I'm so scared!"

"Look, Ma! It's a stupid thug who thinks he can get away with crime! I've seen chicken bones with more meat than whatever puts you together." Spider-Man replies with the same mocking tone. "Ooh, I'm so intimidated." Spider-Man fans his face. "And get some Colgate. Your breath reminds me of the sewers in New York."

"And Deadpool!" Deadpool is shown to fly in a parachute with his face on it. He lands on top of Thug.

"What are you doing here?" Spider-Man and the thug exclaim at the same time.

"Helping my good friend stop this drowned rat from escaping from the dark sewers of New York."

"We are not friends." Spider-Man clarifies.

"We're not. That's why we have so many pictures together." Deadpool opens his wallet of obviously doctored photos. Which leaves Thug confused. Spider-Man takes advantage of the criminal's distraction.

Spider man attacks Thug from behind.

It is very clear at this point that you notice the criminal does not have a proper name. He had one until the notes disappeared and what was left behind was signed on the desk 'not by Deadpool go ask Wolverine for them back'.  
Thug pulls out a gun. Spider-Man swiftly pulls the gun out of him by using his web shooters.

"My turn!" Deadpool pulls a gun out of the crotch of his pants. Spider-Man prepares to take the gun away from him

"I got this, baby boy." Deadpool pulls out a gun. To Thug and Spider-Man's surprise, it was a gag gun that shot out a banner with the work 'bang'. Spider-Man feels relieved.

Deadpool laughs hard at his joke. He pulls out a real gun and shot Thug in the face.

"What did you do?"

"Duh! We defeated this guy, sweetums!" Deadpool takes a picture of himself and Spider-Man. He hands Spider-Man a card. "This is for you, baby boy!" Before Spider-Man knows it, he teleports away. Not far away, though.

Spider-Man looks at the card. He see a picture of Deadpool. The words say "Hollatcha Spider-Man!" with hearts surrounding the picture. Underneath is his number. Spider-Man merely rips the card in half.

His cell phone rings. Spider-Man picks it up. "Hello?"

"Sorry, this must be the wrong number."

"Harry? Oh, hi! How are you? Remember me, Peter Parker?"

"Peter. From the tour?"

"Yeah. That's me."

"How are you? Do you have time to talk?"

"Uh, sure! How about hot dog later? Hot dogs sound good?"

"Tomorrow would be good for me. Coney Island?"

"Yeah. Great."

_Looks like we got competition._

It is late at night. May is asleep at this hour. Peter removes his mask. He doesn't bother to turn the lights on. He passes out on his bed.

Deadpool checks the wiki page he printed out earlier.

_The wiki is recognize that ass anywhere.__  
_

Deadpool pulls the camera out of his magic satchel.

_This guy has to be more careful where he hides the camera. The wrong person could find him this way and kill him.__  
_

"If only I could look at that face." Deadpool grins underneath his mask. "Anyone who is Spider-Man has to be beautiful. That beautiful hero boy face. And he has a great ass."

_Does he have friends?__  
_

_Of course he does! He has us._

_Not that he calls us friends.  
_

Deadpool sits outside the window. "I could sit here for a minute. Or an hour. Just to protect from that freak we fought earlier."

_Wouldn't he be, I don't know, dead?_

Deadpool quietly sneaks inside. He removes the top of his mask. Enough for the lips to show.

_"How did you find this place?"__  
_

"Plot convenience." Deadpool whispers.

_This might be a bad idea.__  
_

_Just on the cheek! It is not as bad.__  
_

Deadpool ignores those two. He is about to plant a kiss on his cheek. Peter, with his eyes closed, forms a smile, which makes Deadpool smile back. He pulls his mask back down.

"Maybe someday. Nighty night, baby boy. As if I have a chance."


	2. Chapter 2

Peter wakes up to a beautiful Saturday morning with clear skies and a cool breeze. Such a beautiful, rare sight. A perfect day to indulge in. And get the rest of his work done. Peter removes his Spider-Man costume before he blows his cover.

Outside his window rests a huge bouquet of red and blue roses. Underneath the flowers reveals a card. A homemade card signed a sloppy cursive with pervious errors over the ink. The juvenile logo gives away that the unexpected gift is from Deadpool.

"I thought I got rid of that thing." Peter says as merely rips the card in half. He tosses the flowers to the ground.

Peter heads to the living room. He finds May standing on the couch swinging a pen around as if it was a sword. Peter hugs May from behind.

"Peter!" May lets out a yelp. "You scared me!"

"Sorry."

"It is such a beautiful day. Let's go out for breakfast."

They arrive at the subway. A man rushes to the oncoming cart. A woman shoves Peter aside. A teenager with headphones glued to his ears passes by them with no warning. A gush of wind nearly blow Peter's glasses off.

Peter's eyes scans the oncoming surroundings. No individuals who pass by them are to be trusted. Especially since Ben died. He won't risk losing May too. Sappy, but true.

"Keep up, Peter!" May calls from two feet away. Peter speeds up to walk beside her.

By the time they enter the cart, there is only one seat left. After much insistence, May sits down with Peter standing next to her.

An individual, who happens to wear a Deadpool cap, catches the corner of Peter's eye.

"It can't be him!" Peter mutters to himself.

"Who?" May asks.

The man waves at Peter.

"Oh," Peter waves back. "Just a classmate."

_We look so cool._

_Quiet! You'll blow our cover, jackass._

The 'unidentified male' clears his throat to make the 'encounter' less awkward. The feeble attempt didn't work. Thankfully, Peter and May are at their stop. They walk off before the situation turns entirely creepy.

"Hi!" A perky blonde sever greets when they enter the café. "My name is Gwen and I'll be your server today."

Gwen's smile makes the whole world stop and stare for a while. Her eyes are as blue as the ocean. Peter blushes as red as how fucking cliché the descriptions used for Gwen are.

Peter accidentally touches her hand when Gwen hands out the menus. "Sorry". He meekly apologizes. But alas, she is already gone when the words escapes his lips.

Peter and May both shift eye contact. The longer the silence carries, the more difficult it appears for either of them to carry a straightforward conversation. Peter's mind races through all sorts of topics. May says the first thing that pops up in her mind.

"I signed up for a self-defense class." Aunt May announces.

"A self-defense class? You?"

"You should join me!"

"I," Peter forms an excuse. "Have to study."

"Always with the studying. A healthy body is a healthy mind."

"I know."

"You work so hard. Graduating and working for scholarships." May pulls Peter in for a hug. "I am so proud of you."

"Just want to keep it that way. Graduating and getting scholarships."

"We need to spend more time together."

"Aren't we spending time together now?"

Peter's Spider-Sense triggers.

"Don't you need to take your medicine?" Peter gets up from the table. "Can't forget what the doctor said!" Peter pushes May to the ladies' restroom.

Deadpool reads some scraps of paper. "According to these chicken notes," He loads a gun. "If I show up to this dinky little café and use La Muerte, Spidey Baby Boy will show up! Bang bang time!"

_Didn't you see him last night?_

_And kiss him on the cheek?_

"As if that is enough. And I would have," Deadpool glares as if he is talking directly to someone. "If somebody didn't change that magical part at the last minute. Creepy as hell, my ass!" Deadpool carelessly tosses the notes in a dumpster.

A bullet flies through the window. Peter looks up to see which enemy it can possibly be. It turns out to be Deadpool.

"Baby boy! Où es-tu?"

Deadpool feels a kick on the face as soon as he says that. Deadpool lands on the cold, hard ground. Deadpool looks up to see Spider-Man standing above him. "Is this heaven?"

"What? No!"

"Baby boy!" Deadpool quickly gets up. He wraps his arm around Spider-Man. "So strong! Miss me?"

Spider-Man responds with a web to Deadpool's face. "Don't touch me."

"Why the fuck not?"

Spider-Man punches him in the face.

"Ow! How are you so strong? Why did you punch me?"

"I hate swearing."

"Like your video game!"

"What?" Spider-Man raises an eyebrow.

"If you put a bad word in your game's cheat codes, you punch the bad word in the nuts! It is effin awesome! Like you!

_Stick to the plan, jackass._

"Okay. Getting-off topic here. I need to ask you something extremely important. Do you want to have a waffle taco? It's on me!"

"Sorry, but I already have a date!"

"It doesn't have to be a waffle taco! Wait a minute. Did you say you already have a date? I hope it's not with someone fat and stinky!"

"What? I'm not gay! And even if I was, I would go out with someone better than you."

"I'm fit, and clean, and so refined! I am like perfect wine! Would you consider me if I promise to cuddle with you every night? Oh, and I am rich. You'd be lucky to be in my arms, baby boy!"

Deadpool's phone alarm goes off. Deadpool groans like a little bitch.

"Can't miss my appointment. Wish I can stay longer. Call me. You have my number."

Deadpool attempts to kiss Spider-Man on the cheek only to receive a web at his face.

"Unbelieveable." Spider-Man instinctively wipes off his cheek.

New Text Message 11:10 am

Harry  
(350) 555-3274  
still up 4 hot dogz? :)  
11:10am

Peter  
(350) 555-6292  
Yes  
11:11 am

Harry  
(350) 555-3274  
k juz checkin ;)  
11:12am

"Peter?" Spider-Man can sense May is about to enter the mens' restroom. And thank god too because the text messages are ludicrous. He swings back to the bathroom as fast as he can.

"Yeah?" Peter opens the stall door.

"Spider-Man showed up. No, wait. There were two of him. One of them was very muscular and has a lot of weapons on him."

Gwen is there when they come back to their table. "Sorry." She grins, but her trembling is clear as day when she sets down the plates.

"You ok, Gwen?" Peter asks.

"Yeah! It was so cool! Two Spider-Men! One had a gun and shot right here in this very window! You can see the bullet hole right there!" Gwen exclaims with excitement.

When Gwen leaves, May turns to Peter. "Are you staying home all day?"

"I just remembered! I'm going out for hot dogs with a friend!"

"A friend? Who?"

"Harry Osborn."

"Osborn? As in Osborn Industries? I read about them on The Daily Bugle. They just had an interview with the CEO. How did you meet his son?"

"He was in charge of the ESU tour."

"And you two became friends?"

"You can say that. A guy like him can really help me get places."

In his shitty apartment, Deadpool lounges around with no company except for the voices in his head. Deadpool angrily taps his finger.

"Oh, what to do, what to do." Deadpool sticks a gun under his throat. "Nah, too easy."

_What do we do now, master?_

"There was something in those chicken notes. Fucking useless."

_Useless, how? Those notes led us to Spider-Man, jackass._

_Let's write right to the writer!_

_Politely, jackass._

"OK. Here we go." Deadpool types the email.

As an unidentified writer settles down with a cup of tea in hand, Writer notices an unusual email.

To: whocares  
From: deadpool69 email com  
Subject: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
Dear unidentified writer,  
Firstly, you have excellent taste.  
Here's entirely what really happened.  
I found your chicken notes one day after you accidentally left them behind on a couch chair at a Starbucks. You're such a fucking hipster. Ignore what security footage displayed. I did plan to return your vital information regarding Spider-Man, but I accidentally lost it. Anyway, I need to know where Spidey would be at his moment regarding his 'date'.  
-Deadpool

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
I KNOW YOU STOLE MY NOTEBOOK. GIVE IT BACK TO ME, YOU FUCKING PSYCHO! I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU LOST IT.

To: whocares  
From: deadpool69 email com  
Subject: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
Do you know who you are talking to? You know, DEADPOOL.

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
I DON'T CARE. I WANT MY NOTEBOOK BACK.  
AND I AM _**NOT**_ A HIPSTER.

To: whocares  
From: deadpool69  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
I really really really really really loooooooove the first chapter. I am dying to know when you will put the next one up! Pleeeeeaaase tell me what's gonna happen next!

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
How did you find my story? Uh…I planned Harry and Spiderman to go out for hot dogs in my story. I only went to New York once, so all I know is Coney Island. Not that anyone cares. I'll go on a limb and say Nathan's. I want to go considering how many New Yorkers talk about it a lot here in Florida. How did you get my email?

To: whocares  
From: deadpool69  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth  
Thx kid. Keep writing. -3 Deadpool

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: A Serious Email From Deadpool The Good Looking Merc With A Mouth:  
Why do you call yourself Deadpool...…

When Peter arrives at Coney Island, the sight of Harry mesmerizes him. The Osborn wears an Armani white suit complimented with a golden tie. His brown hair is slicked back with gel that scents of the ocean.

Peter tugs the sleeve of his old white T-shirt. His torn jeans are an embarrassment sight when compared to Harry's ritzy outfit. Harry's baby blue eyes meet with Peter's hazel.

"Peter?" Harry raises his eyebrows. "Didn't expect to see you here so soon. How did you get here so quick?"

"Left early. Took the subway. You?"

"Car. You take the subway?"

"It's New York."

Harry chuckles. "Right. Are you good with rides?"

"I,I don't have money for much."

"That's ok. It's on me." Harry pats Peter on the head.

"I, I, I got to take a leak."

"What the fuck is going on?" Deadpool emerges from the toilet.

_If you read those notes, you would know this is mainly a Spider-Man story. Jackass._

_Fuck that shit!_

"How about we can bring Cable or Wolverine? Mentioning Death doesn't count! Fucking hipster writer nobody!"

"Sorry, Harry. It has been a long way."

"I hear those subway bathrooms are nasty."

Deadpool peeks through the crack of the stall. "Hey, Writer. Can Spider-Man show up now? In that cute little costume he wears?"

_How the hell can this nerd Spider-Man?_

_His voice is similar to Spider-Man._

_He looks ugly with those glasses._

Faster than those inner monologues, Peter wishes the urinals has covers. The atmosphere is uncomfortable to describe at best. Especially since Deadpool traveled to Coney Island using a fucking public toilet despite having a teleporter where he didn't have to resort to such predicaments. Because guess what? He's stuck. That's what he gets for attempting to fucking change the story.

Rant aside, Harry's eyes dart south towards Peter.

_Is that rich boy looking at his dick?_

_He's a bigger jackass than you._

"You must get a lot of girls with that." Harry comments.

_Pervert! Kiss ass! Gas guzzler!_

"No, not really."

"You really don't have a girlfriend?"

"I had one. Betty and I worked together. We broke up because of a misunderstanding. I've been single ever since. I'm sure you could get a girlfriend right away."

"Is it because of my money?"

"No." Peter zips his pants. "That's not why."

"Or a boyfriend. Because I like a little bit of both." Harry leans closer to Peter. "So I can get anyone I want. Are you ok with that?"

_Ah! When will this terrible dialogue ever end?_

_There is a thing called arc fatigue. _

Perer exits the bathroom. "I'm okay with that. Of course I would. I can't choose my friends and Harry seems like a nice guy."

_What does this crap have to do with Spider-Man?_

_We have to go along with the story and find out, jackass. _

Peter accidentally bumps into someone. "Oh, sorry!"

"That's okay." Gwen gives a grin.

"Gwen? Hey! Remember me? From the cafe this morning? With my elderly aunt?"

"Oh! Sorry! Hi there!"

"Who is this?" Harry shows up. He turns to Gwen. "Cute, isn't he?"

"Coincidence?" Deadpool yells at the sky. "I think not!"

"Don't ask Gwen that!" Peter begins to blush. Gwen lets out a giggle.

"Sorry, but I have to go. It's not every day my dad is off-duty. See you later, uh, Peter!"

"Peter!" Harry punches his shoulder. "I was being your wingman! You could get a girl like her. I think I'll ask her out. Are you snobby or shy?"

"I can ask her out myself. Uh, rides?"

"Oh shit!" Deadpool crawls out of the toilet like the girl from The Ring. "I remember something important in those chicken notes! The writer makes a shitty narrative!"

New Email

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: I HEARD THAT  
FUCK YOU.

"I mean, Rich Doody is gonna make his move at the Ferris Wheel!"

Cable teleports next to Deadpool. "I have something urgent to tell you."

"Cable! Honey! Just the guy I wanted to see!" Deadpool reaches for a hug.

Cable pushes him away. "I don't care about your personal problems, Wade. This is important."

"Something about the future. Real dire. Up to me to prevent it. Blah blah fuckity blah! Listen, honey. Since you're conveniently here, I need a little favor."

Cable finds himself and Deadpool in different outfits. "What the? Dammit, Wade!"

"See, we are gonna wear some disguises. Fun, oui?" Deadpool twirls in his white ivory cocktail dress. "Should I go with the blonde curly bob or a pony weave?"

"We don't have time for this crap!"

"Relax! After this, I can do that thing you want me to do. Or you can go back in time and tell me again. You can tell me your plans at the Ferris Wheel."

Deadpool pins the short curly wig above his mask. "If anyone asks, you're an immigrant day laborer named Gustavo and I'm your pregnant wife Margarita."

The sun is about to set. Festive music plays for everyone to hear. The scent of carnival food fill Peter's nose. Peter nervously runs his fingers through his hair.

"Look at that line for hot dogs. New York's famous, delicious hot dogs."

"So many tourists visit every day. The biggest way to give away that you're a tourist is if you refer New York as 'The Big Apple'." Peter adds.

"And stare forever at the landmarks in the middle of the street."

"It is so easy to tell if you're a tourist."

"And there are a lot of tourists!" Peter and Harry say simultaneously. "Jinx!" They both laugh.

"I know coming out with my bisexuality was sudden. Let me know when you get uncomfortable, Peter."

"Ouch!" Deadpool clutches his stomach in a painfully dreadful falsetto voice. "Be careful, Gustavo. Think of our little Taquito."

"Wade! I have to tell you something vital."

"About what?"

"Word is the CEO of Osborn Industries planned something sinister. He wants to gather all the gangs and become the boss of New York's organized crimes."

"And how did you get this information again?"

"I'm from the future. A future you can prevent if you kill Norman Osborn."

"I am a little curious myself, Harry. Especially because of this guy who won't leave me alone. No matter how many times I tell him, he never goes away."

Peter can hear Harry make a hearty laugh. "Does he call you Petey Wetey? Or Peter-poo?"

"He calls me something that could be a pet name."

"What is it?" Harry wipes his eye.

Peter pauses for a moment. "Uh, do you want to know?"

"Yeah! Did he really give you a pet name?"

_Here it comes! _

_I think we know what it is, jackass._

"Baby boy."

_He's talking about us! Swoon!_

_That is definitely Spider-Man._

"Oh my god. That guy is pathetic." Harry chuckles. "Maybe he is that fucking ugly." Harry sees that Peter's expression falls. He playfully punches Peter in the shoulder. "Nah, you alright. I'm playing with you."

"Baby boy, no." Deadpool whispers sadly.

"Wade? Are you okay?" Cable scratches his head. "You are more off than usual."

Peter's Spider Sense triggers. "Umm," Peter turns to Harry. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"I could have sworn I hear someone say baby boy."

"Maybe they wanted to give you a good scare!"

"If I were to be honest," Peter chortles. "He has this really fun personality and he never gets boring and,"

"And he won't leave you alone."di

Harry's face crinkles after he inhales the air. "Something smells like shit."

"It is shit!" A brunette cackles from behind them. "It's coming from the guy in the Marilyn Monroe dress!"

"Fuck you!" Deadpool shouts. "I will have my revenge!"

"I don't know who you are, dumbass! Go make love to a horse, you cretin!" The unidentified brunette shrieks before flying away with a parachute as random as this scene was.

Deadpool pulls out a tiny spinner out of his satchel. Despite the writer's objections, Deadpool proceeds to spin it. The outcome would depend if Deadpool will cause a ruckus (again) or if the chapter will end abruptly (again). The spinner suddenly stops.

"Transition to where everyone eats hot dogs? Make it so!"

New Email

To: deadpool69  
From: whocares  
Subject: Wait…this is really Deadpool…  
I told you they get to eat hot dogs. Stop changing my story. I put a lot of love into it. :'(

Finally, Harry and Peter go out for hot dogs. Due to the writer's irritation, Peter and Harry are somewhere the reader should know by now. The writer refuses to write the place, which would help keep the story intact. Seriously. Writer left a note that says to go back if the location is so important to know about.

"You really like hot dogs, don't you?" Harry wipes his mouth with a napkin.

"Oh, New York. Best place for a hot dog and only a buck." Peter gulps the food down.

The hot dog place Harry takes Peter has questionable sanitation standards because a spider crawls onto their table. Harry glares at the creature in disgust. Harry crushes the poor spider until it is nothing but a black spot. Peter blinks twice.

"Did you have to kill it?"

"Ugh. I hate spiders. Can't stand the sight of them."

_Obvious foreshadowing is obvious. _

_Let the reader realize that themselves, jackass._

"Spiders contribute a lot to the environment. Their silk is very useful for,"

A splash of soda hits Peter in the face. Peter searches for a napkin to wipe his glasses.

"Sorry." A male apologizes.

"It's okay. I really," Peter looks up to see the male he saw earlier on the train. He lifts his round shades, revealing his bright blue eyes.

"I'm really sorry, eh."

They can hear Harry scoff.

"You sound familiar. Do you go to Midtown High?"

"Hmm," He shakes his head. "No. I'm from Canada. Was in Ohio for a few months. Maybe on the subway? You see anyone and everyone on the subway. I'm Wade." He offers his hand.

"Peter." Peter and Wade shake hands.

"Again, I am very sorry. I hope I didn't ruin your day, eh."

"Retard." Harry mutters under his breath.

As Wade leaves, he gives Peter a wink. Deadpool sighs to himself. "That could have went better."


	3. Chapter 3

Peter holds his glasses up to the light. There are visible smudges on them. He rubs the stubborn stains in vain. He cannot get the stains off no matter how many times he has tried. Peter folds his glasses into his pocket.

"Don't you need those?" Harry inquires.

"I'm nearsighted." Peter lies. "I can see like a normal person most of the time. Except when I need to read tiny words."

"Oh. That's good." Harry slides an envelope to Peter's side of the table.

"What is this?"

"I pulled a few strings and got you some prestigious scholarship applications."

"Oh my god!" Peter exclaims excitedly. "Thank you so much! This is really nice of you. You did all of this for me?"

"Yeah." Harry nods. "I know we just met, Peter. And this is going to sound crazy. But I really am beginning to like you. You're just so different from the others,. You like me for who I am, not for what I have. I think we hit it off so well." Harry strokes Peter's hand. "Do you think the same way about me?"

We interrupt your regurgitation session to bring you this transition. Thank god.

"Look, Writer." Deadpool hisses at his phone. "So far, I haven't got one precious kiss from Spider-Man!"

"How did you find my Skype?"

"Do you want people to stop reading this fanfiction? You promised that beautiful kiss! Don't pulll a cop out now!"

"I had everything planned until you stole my notebook! I want my notebook! Give me my notes back, you asshole! And another thing! Stop stealing the spotlight! You're making this harder for me to execute the goddamn story!"

Sorry about that. Now

"No! You better give me some sweet action right now!"

"Relax!" Writer attempts to assure the fuming, no, very pissed off mercenary. "There will be some romantic scenes this time. Really. Two chapters is enough before this will they or won't they question drags on for too long."

Peter and Harry leave the generic hot dog place.

Wait, do you still remember the name of the hot dog place they went to? If you did, no one fucking cares. Just saying. What do you mean there was no name for the generic hot dog place? Yes, there was! Uh huh! Oh shit! Wade is about to stab Harry and leave him to die!

Due to the Writer's caution, Deadpool trips and lands on Peter. Harry coughs the word retard again, not to anyone's amusement. Seriously, fuck anyone who does that. Why the fuck didn't Harry get stabbed and left to die?

"Sorry, eh." Wade apologizes. "I really didn't mean to do that. Just bad luck. Really," Wade emphasizes on the last word. "Bad luck."

"It's okay." Peter assures. "I am a bit of a klutz."

Wade's shades fall off, revealing his striking (to Peter anyway) blue eyes.

_Nice going, jackass._

To: deadpool69   
From: whocares   
Subject: JACKASS

FUCK YOU. I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. GOOD THING I MADE YOU WEAR A CONCEALING DISGUISE, DEADBUTT.

"Your eyes." Peter gasps.

"Eh?" Wade wonders what Peter meant by that.

"Sorry, Wade. You sound familiar."

"I do, eh?"

"Yeah. His accent isn't as strong as yours. I don't why, you remind me of a certain someone."

_Oooh! Oh my god! This is soooo boring! _

_Quiet! This is a sentimental moment, jackass. _

"Well," Harry lifts Peter up. "We would love to stay and chat, but I have to take my babe home."

_Joke's on him! We called him babe first!_

"Date?"

"He's a real creep." Harry whispers in Peter's ear. "I don't want you around that weirdo."

Peter smiles sheepishly as Harry wraps his arm around him.

"Come on, babe." Harry says in a seductive tone. "Let's go home. We can pick up some ice cream on the way back, honey." Peter inhales from his nose and shyly nods.

Wade smiles. He waves goodbye to them. Wade holds back a tear in his eye as they leave.

The sun slowly sets. Harry and Peter begin to part ways. Harry bites his lip nervously with a question on his mind. Harry takes the chance when Peter's glasses fall out of his pocket.

"Your glasses, Peter!"

"Huh?" Peter fumbles around his pocket. Harry hands the glasses to him.

"It is getting dark. Do you need a ride?" 

"I'll be okay. I'll take the subway. I have time to swing there."

"I insist, Peter." Harry beams. "Pease?"

There was going to be a car ride scene, but proofreaders found it too boring. And by proofreaders, that's really just Deadpool. He expressed his opinions by filing complaints. And by filing complaints, that's really meants he repeatedly booed until the story was "fixed".

"What is on your mind?" Harry asks. "If you didn't want to invite me inside your houe, you could have said no."

"I, I thought you would like some water or, or use the bathroom before you go home."

Harry chuckles at that excuse. "I would have done that back at dinner. Oh yeah. I remembered what I wanted to ask you. I enjoyed dinner tonight. I would like to have dinner again sometime. Do you want to have dinner with me again next week?"

"Next week? As a? As a? Huh?"

"Just give me a chance." Harry pleads. "I'll let you think about it first."

"Huh?" Peter's face slowly blushes. "I mean, yeah. Okay."

Harry gets close to Peter's ear. "I can't wait to see you again." Harry's voice changes into a deep, sultry one. Peter's heart rate rises at the sound of this new alluring voice. Harry bites Peter's bottom lip. He runs his fingers down Peter's back. Peter's lower area is teased by those gentle fingers. Peter's mouth hangs open, his breath turned shallow. His confused eyes meet Harry's.

"You can punch me now if you want. Right now. Just punch me."

"Yeah!" Peter pushes Harry out of his bedroom. "I'll think about it! I just remembered my Government paper! Lock the door on your way out. See you next week!"

Harry is met with a slam of the door. He presses the ear against the door with the pleasant surprise of deep breathing. Harry leaves locking the door on the way out. Harry leaves because he is too much of a gentleman to listen to those noises. Sure. That's why.

Peter removes his glasses. He unbuttons his shirt. He was about to remove the costume. He looks down at his lower area. "Huh? How did I get erect?"

"Hi!" Deadpool greets.

"Deadpool!" Peter covers his body with the blankets. "How the heck did you find me?"

"Lucky guess." Deadpool jumps from on top of the bed.

"Get off!" Spider-Man demands.

"Make me!" Deadpool giggles.

Spider-Man's mask falls on the floor. Spider-Man pulls out a hand to reach it. Deadpool slides the mask further away from the bed. Spider-Man sticks his head outside, his face unseen.

"I never knew you had long hair." Deadpool comments. "It's almost past your ears. So cute!"

"I, I haven't had time for a haircut."

"Why are you hiding in your bed?" Deadpool snatches the blankets.

"No!" Spider-Man exclaims too late.

Deadpool drops the blankets at the sight. "Is that what I think it is?" Deadpool pauses for Spider-Man to respond. "Damn, baby boy! Your ears are super pink!"

"I,"

"I gotta say, you're as big as I imagine you in my dreams." Deadpool kisses Spider-Man's neck. A moan comes out of Spider-Man.

"I can make you beg for more." Deadpool slips his hand inside Spider-Man's pants. "No underwear? So hot."

"I, I chaff!"

"How does that nice, big dick not slip out of that cute little costume, baby boy? I am dying to know."

Spider-Man responds with a moan. "God! Yes!"

Deadpool bites the bottom of Spider-Man's lip. Deadpool strokes Spider-Man's hair. Spider-Man removes Deadpool's mask. Spider-Man sees a strong-jawed man with blonde hair and striking baby blue eyes.

"Oh god! You're so handsome."

"You're quite a catch yourself, baby boy."

"And those muscles," Spider-Man makes another moan as he feels Deadpool's lips sucking his crotch. Spider-Man carasses Deadpool's hair as he continues to moan.

A warm sticky substance splashes all over Peter's body. Thankfully, no one was around to hear him. A smile forms on Peter's face.

"Oh god!" Peter hides under the blankets. He finds himself giving out shallow breaths. "That was the best feeling I ever felt in my life." Peter pauses for a moment. "Is this how Deadpool feels?"

Peter chokes on his words. He removes himself from the bed. "Why did I think of Deadpool? God." Peter shudders. "I guess you can think of serious, messed things when you are aroused. Anything turns you on. That was unbelievable. Did it have to be Deadpool?"

Peter loads his blankets into the washing machine. "Maybe fighting bad guys will get that off my mind."

Spider-Man perches over the Empire State building. Spider-Man grows frustrated when the city is safe. Ironic. Or not? Who the fuck cares? Stop misusing the term irony.

"Gah! Why is it so quiet?" Spider-Man imitates a terrible Canadian accent. "Crime would be nonexistent if you let me kill them, baby boy!"

"Hi!" Deadpool appears next to Spider-Man.

"Deadpool." Spider-Man jumps back. "You heard that?"

"You are awful at my sexy accent."

"Your accent is not that sexy!"

"Oh?" Deadpool teased. "Is baby boy warming up to me? Could have sworn I heard a few sexy sounds from you."

"I lost my witty comeback hearing that hopeless dream."

Something flew out of Spider-Man's pocket. Deadpool picks it up before Spider-Man can retrieve it. Spider-Man's phone is unlocked. It is a picture of Harry. Which like an idiot, he left on display.

"Ew!" Deadpool pretends to vomit. "You can do much better than that!"

"Shut up!" Spider-Man grumbles. "What the heck are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Deadpool hands him a box. "Open it. It is made with love."

"I shouldn't."

"I insist! For my hero!" Deadpool kisses Spider-Man on the forehead. Spider-Man shoves Deadpool away.

"What do I have to do to make you like me? Even a tiny bit."

"Hmm. Let me think. What is it you can change?" Spider-Man hums the Jeopardy theme. "Oh, right. Like, duh. Everything!"

_Ouch. _

_Way to be a dick! _

"Like?" Deadpool asks calmly.

Spider-Man's, despite his face being under a mask which cannot be seen clearly, is taken back by surprise. "You are uncharacteristically calm. I don't like it."

"Aww." Deadpool says smoothly. "You miss my fun side, don't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You know I'm fun."

Spider-Man groans in disgust. "As if you know what I think of you! Do you really think you can actually turn me on? Like I ever did!" Spider-Man crosses his arms.

"I do, actually. I found it in your diary. It had little hearts with cute little drawings of us! Did you accidentally threw it away in a dumpster? Excuse me for a second."

Deadpool texts an email while he waits for Spider-Man to open the present. Because no one wants to read a long paragraph where Spider-Man ponders about that.

To: whocares  
From: deadpool69  
Subject: YOU ASSHOLE

WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP.

To: deadpool69   
From: whocares   
Subject: RE: YOU ASSHOLE

I'm in love with Spider-Man.

To: deadpool69   
From: whocares   
Subject: RE: RE: YOU ASSHOLE

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

By the time you finished reading this tired out gag (which Writer's last email was cut out to keep the story family-friendly), Spider-Man opened Deadpool's gift. You're welcome.

"Do you love it?"

"Oh." Spider-Man feigns cheerfulness. "It's a,"

_We made that? Where did we get the time? _

_Believe it or not, all those transitions with "Peter" took up a lot of time. _

"I thought you would like to get a gift."

"But a gift card? To Coney Island? Is that even a thing?"

"Only in New York, right? You love New York. That's why you protect this city." Deadpool holds a styrofoam box in his hand. "I picked up a couple of hot dogs on the way. I always wanted to have a romantic dinner with my favorite hero."

"And you got me a bear. With your mask on it."

"Not gonna eat?"

Spider-Man lets out a sigh.

"I always wanted to be a good guy."

"Ha! You? Yeah right!"

"I swear!"

"Okay!" Spider-Man lifts his mask to remove a tear from his eye. "Let's pretend I believe you?

Why?"

"Because?"

"For the money? For the fame? For the attention and love people will give you?"

"I,"

"That's not what a hero is about!" Spider-Man interrupts. "Not even close! You have to fight for what's right and if you don't, your loved ones will die! You think you can just be,"

Spider-Man stops. He fully puts on his mask. He lets out a sigh. "I don't know why I am still talking to you."

"Because you're in love with me too?"

"You wish."

Spider-Man feels firms hands rub up and down his back. "What are you,"

"Do you hate me, baby boy?"

"I don't hate you. I just hate what the things you do. If your morals were less skewed, I might like you a little more. You really know how to fight. And to keep the fight fun."

Surprising that Spider-Man doesn't push him away this time. Dammit.

"Don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you." Deadpool whispers. 

"Oh, god." Spider-Man moans.

"Deep down, you know that."

"Your hands are like magic!" Spider-Man blurts out.

"Thank you. My ex is such a prick. Never appreciated my magic touch."

"Wow. Uh, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to pity me."

"I'm not! There has to be someone out there for you."

"The worst part is I still have to see my ex. Every once in a while, there is this oh so drastic thing I have to prevent!"

"My ex thought I killed her brother!"

"Did you? Ooh, baby body has a bad boy side!"

"Deadpool." Spider-Man warns.

"Kidding. I know you. You would never want to kill anyone."

Spider-Man spreads his legs wide. He lets out soft, involuntary moans. Painful memories flood his mind. "Deadpool."

"What?"

"Stop. Now. Please."

The moans turn into hyperventilation. Deadpool's hands are warm. So strong. Not again. Not this time. Not another one. Not him. No.

"Spider-Man." Deadpool releases his hands. "Are you okay? I'm really sorry. What's wrong?"

Webbing explodes in their faces.

"What was that?"

"Ugh." Spider-Man groans. "It's sticky!"

"Just like,"

_Shitty euphemism. _

_We know what it is like, jackass._

To: deadpool69   
From: whocares   
Subject: #Painful

I heard this joke a million times.

Spider-Man slowly backs away. "Thanks for the massage. I appreciate your intention. Creepy, but now my shoulders are better."

"Wait!" Deadpool holds him back. "Hear me out!" He picks up the styrofoam box Spider-Man dropped.

"We really got off the wrong foot. Just give me a chance!"

Spider-Man pauses. He stares at Deadpool. "A chance?"

"Yeah! To be a good guy! Or a good lover!"

Spider-Man sighs. He crosses his arms. "Why? Why should I?"

"Please? Don't you remember when we team up?"

"Yeah. You, did a good job."

"Oh, Spidey!" Deadpool pulls in Spider-Man for a hug. Spider-Man notes how gentle and firm Deadpool's grip is. His body quickly relaxes. Spider-Man can feel his heart race.

"I," Spider-Man stammers. "Feel amazing."

Spider-Man swallows what little saliva is in his throat. He looks up to the night sky. There were many stars out tonight.

"When it comes down to it, you're okay."

"Aww, Spidey!" Deadpool giggles. "Do you mean that?"

"Deep down, I guess I want to believe you're amazing too."

"Aww! You're so sweet."

"I mean,"

Deadpool squeezes Spider-Man. "I'll never be amazing as you! You're so precious and sweet and heroic. I love you!"

"Thanks." Spider-Man laughs nervously. "Uh, well, have a good night!"

"Wait!" Deadpool grabs Spider-Man's arm.

"What?"

"Umm,"

_Come on! We can do it! Kiss the dude! __Sha__**-**__la__**-**__la__**-**__la__**-**__la__**-**__la__ my oh my!_

"Have a good night, baby boy."

And before Spider-Man realizes it, Deadpool sends a deep, passionate kiss to his lips.

"You're a good kisser." Spider-Man blurts out.

"So are you!"

"I, uh,"

Deadpool caresses Spider-Man's face. "Just give me a chance, baby boy. I'll let you think about it first, okay?"


	4. Chapter 4

Peter lays in his bedroom inside his bed, alone like the virgin he is.

Wait. He's not? Betty Brant. She was his first girlfriend. Right. You'd think he is if you watched those Toby Maguire movies.

Peter groans. He hides himself from under the blankets. He rubs his lips with two fingers. That kiss can't be real. It just can't be.

As much as he hates to admit it to himself, he yearns to meet Deadpool again. Hopefully soon.

When was the last time Peter saw him? It felt like 2 excruciating months. He'll just admit it right now. Peter is eager to see Deadpool again.

The same way a precious reader wants to see some two-bit Hipster's fanfiction and waited for 2 fucking months. The delay was so bad because the original story had to be scrapped at the last minute. Why? The story was shitty quality. And by shitty, we mean Deadpool wasn't getting some.

Peter rubs his lips some more. He closes his eyes while doing so, releasing a moan. Peter couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. His friendship with Harry grows stronger by the day. Peter already met his father. Does Norman know about Harry's interest in Peter?

Perhaps he did. Peter remembers the day he met Norman.

Peter drums his pencil up and down. Harry rewrote some Biology notes. Harry looks up.

"What?" Harry grins. "I only have enough time for Starbucks. I just want to see you."

There is an awkward pause. Peter shifts his eyes between his textbook and Harry. Harry breaks the silence. "How is school?"

"Fine. Passing." Peter answers. "Say, what did you do after you left last week?"

"Oh," Harry furrows his eyebrows. "I saw someone. He acted like he spends too much time by himself."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I visited him for the heck of it. And he talked about fighting for what is right and loved ones and sappy shit."

"Oh." Peter raises an eyebrows. "That's interesting."

"His place was on the way home. I might have done something wrong."

"Something wrong?"

"Something of his exploded. It was like silly string. Or something."

"This wasn't originally in the notes!" Deadpool screeches, interrupting the flow.

'We know that. The reader knows that. The writer definitely knows that. What the hell?' says Irrational in Madcap's Voice.

What? There are formatting issues on other sites. How did that error slip through the cracks is beyond all logic.

'This looks like the writer's revenge for those lost notes we stole.' says Logical in Dr. Bong's Voice.

"Do you want to meet my dad? He sees some potential in you."

"Wow!" Peter grins. "Really? You would do that for me?"

Harry's phone goes off. He looks down, frowning. "Sorry. I have an emergency." Harry kisses Peter's forehead. "Bye, babe. I'll call you."

Harry leaves right away. Harry is often busy. But he makes sure to spend a little time with Peter regardless. Harry barely has time to sleep. Those dark circles made him look so cute anyway.

And then he saw a reminder of Deadpool. Wade, was it? He tries not to cringe about the man who he kissed last week.

"We just keep running into each other, eh?" Wade says.

'Keep it cool." The Irrational Voice in Madcap's voice encourages.

'And don't blow our cover, jackass.' says the Logical Voice in Dr. Bong's voice.

"Yeah." Peter replies. "How are you?"

"Just fine, eh."

Peter stares at the hat in the most painfully obvious way that could ever be stared at.

"Like my hat, eh?"

"Deadpool has a movie coming out. Never thought I would see the day!"

Peter laughs out loud out of nowhere.

'Is he crazy just like us?' questions Irrational in Madcap's Voice.

'He has obviously realized the life he has been living in is a lie.' says Logical in Dr. Bong's Voice.

Just leave it up to yourself what they sound like. Point is, they are clearly there no matter how times Deadpool pops placebos in order to get rid of them. Poor living pooter.

"I beg your pardon?"

"His voice. That obnoxious voice!"

"In the game or in the movie? Or?"

"Nothing like them! His voice actually is smooth and has an annoying Canadian accent and,"

Peter pauses. He turns a dark red shade. "I mean, I, I can see why people are fans of Deadpool."

'Do we really have a Canadian accent?' Irrational in Madcap's Voice asks.

'We could just imitate one so we can walk among the mortals.'

Screw it. It is easy to tell which voice is talking after this.

'Yeah. Without these shades, Spider-Man would scream and run away!'

Deadpool. Grow some cajones. Please. You know what that means.

"Sounds like the perfect man."

"I guess." Peter shifts his eyes. "If that's who I wanted to be. Spider-Man is more worthy."

Wade gasps. "I love Spider-Man! He is so perfect, eh!"

"Me too!" Peter and Wade laugh.

"I have an idea who Spider-Man is."

Peter raises an eyebrow. "You do?"

Wade reveals copies of the Daily Bugle. "The only source that has a picture of Spider-Man is the photographer. He is the only one who is able to obtain these photos. P. Parker manages to capture Spider-Man in sewers and dangerous heights."

"Interesting." Peter comments.

"My theory is Spider-Man is P. Parker since he is the only photographer able to obtain a photo and angles that only Spider-Man would allow himself to be in."

Peter's mouth drops open.

"It makes so much sense, right?"

"I, I," Peter stammers by noticing his mistake. God. Not even Bambi was this timid.

Wade chuckles. "You're so cute, eh." Wade hides his face. "And not like me, eh."

"Somebody will love you." Peter attempts to encourage.

"Bullshit!" Wade shouts.

Everyone looks at those two. A hipster in denial shakes his head and turns back to their work. The hipster douche is dumb enough to leave a note behind demanding for their notebook back.

"A guy like you wouldn't like a guy like me! Don't bullshit me!"

Why does he sound familiar?

It is an unusual memory that shouldn't remain on Peter's mind for so long.

Harry opens the door for Peter. Peter takes a glance on himself at the mirror. As he stares at himself, his ears appear so pink in a moment of seconds.

"Are you nervous?" Harry asks.

"Gosh." Peter adjusts his glasses. "A little."

"Don't worry." Harry kisses his forehead. "Dad is a really nice man."

Norman appears from the shadows. Shitty foreshadowing. Peter has to resist gawking. Peter grits his teeth. Norman looks just like Harry. Well, if he aged very well. Is there a male version of MILF?

"Hello." Norman greets.

"Hi!" Peter holds out his hand. "My name is Peter Parker. I just turned 18 and about to graduate from Midtown High. I am a freelance photographer for The Daily Bugle and I am going for a biochemistry major in Eastern State University. Maybe a minor in biophysics too."

Norman smiles. "So young and already going places." Norman looks at Harry. "Your friend has potential."

"And looks. That is a plus."

Norman's smile fades. "I see." Norman's smile remains warm, but his eyes turn icy. "I am eager to see your abilities, Mr. Parker. Now you boys have a safe night." The door slams loud as Norman heads to his private room.

Guess notebooks are important. Deadpool observes someone that has to be a hipster desperately texting something at a Starbucks. He flashed a thumbs up to said individual, much to their bewilderment.

Peter looks outside. It is dark. Peter gets up from his bed. "Let's see if the city is safe." Spider-Man dons his costume. "Yeah. See if the city is safe."

Spider-Man stuffs a pile of clothes under his bedsheets in case Aunt May shows up. Good thing her vision is failing. At least she is taking self-defense classes just in case a robber shows up.

Deadpool spots Spider-Man swinging around the city. There is a conventionally placed object that could be used as a pole. Spider-Man sticks his legs out. He holds himself upside down.

"Hah. Spider-Stripper." Spider-Man chuckles. "I wonder if Deadpool would like to see this."

'Spider-Strip! Spider-Strip!' Oh, those voices.

'The only stripper with good pole moves left!' Tee hee. That's a good one.

As expected for plot convenience, he swings around the pole-like structure. Deadpool finds a little buddy pop in his pants. "Shit. How can he do that? Is it all that crawling?"

Deadpool teleports in front of Spider-Man. "What are you doing, stripper boy? Dancing for some nice tips in the cushion?" Deadpool teases.

In shock, Spider-Man falls. He is worried someone will see them on the roof.

"That kiss made you strip dance? What a turn-on."

"Are you following me?" Spider-Man demands.

"I got instinct." Deadpool lied. "I want to ask you important."

"What?"

"Remember last week?"

"Last week? You mean to give you a chance?"

"What do you say, baby boy?" Deadpool gently pulls up Spider-Mans glove. He kisses Spider-Man's hand.

Deadpool's lips are so soft. Spider-Man is surprised about that. It has to be chapstick. But still, those kisses give Spider-Man butterflies.

"Your ex really lost someone special." Spider-Man blurts out.

Good god. This is not worth the wait of two months of a pretentious fanfiction. It had to be rewritten due to stolen property and negative reception. Here is the basis of it.

Deadpool is happy to hear Spider-Man's words. He leaps in Spider-Man's arms. Spider-Man lets out a yelp when he catches him. Don't worry about Spider-Man's strength though. Did you know that Spider-Man can carry up to 16 tons?

"You are just so cute!" Deadpool squeals.

"I wouldn't say that."

Deadpool hands Spider-Man a picture. Spider-Man tries not to gasp. "Who is that?"

"That's me!"

Oops. Spider-Man gasps. "You're,"

"Sexy? Hot? Huge cock?"

"Gorgeous." Spider-Man answers in disbelief. The picture resembled the man in his masturbation fantasy. Loose blonde hair, strong jaw, beautiful blue eyes, and a nice body.

Spider-Man groans. "Why me? I don't show my face."

"I'm into good-hearted sweethearts." Deadpool grabs Spider-Man's bottom. "The nice ass is a bonus."

"Okay. But," Spider-Man pauses.

Deadpool used to be a good looking guy. Hard to believe. He really thinks that is going to help him get the guy. This surely won't fucking backfire.

"Come here." Deadpool grabs Spider-Man's hand. Suddenly, he jumps off a building. Spider-Man has to act quickly before they both fall. He blasts some web. Deadpool uses the teleporter.

Sure. Okay. Use the teleporter for a date, but not use it to find Spider-Man and crawl inside a toilet. Makes so much fucking sense.

Spider-Man opens his eyes. His web still attach on a building, but they were in a different place.

"What?" Spider-Man says. "Where are we?"

"On top of the Daily Bugle, baby boy."

"But how?"

Hilarious! Picture those two dangling on the web! J. Jonah Jameson pops a vein at the sight of this. Do you hear the lovely shout of a sexy picture of Spider-Man? Okay, not the sexy part. But you get the idea.

"Race ya!" Deadpool exclaims. He recklessly jumps off the building.

"No!" Spider-Man cries.

"What?" Deadpool shouts from on top of the building.

Spider-Man crawls up there. He rubs his eyes in disbelief. "How did you do that?"

Deadpool appears behind him. "It's a teleporter, baby boy."

"A teleporter?"

"You wish you were me. All sexy and have cool weapons." Deadpool kisses Spider-Man's hand again. "How do you like our date?"

"Date? What date?"

"You didn't say no."

Spider-Man groans. "But, a teleporter? That doesn't even exist!"

"Neither does your life!"

"A teleporter?"

"Yeah. Watch this!" Deadpool appears under Spider-Man's crotch. "It's like I waited my whole life for this one night!"

Spider-Man shoots a web, but Deadpool rolls to the side dodging it in time.

"There is a god!" Deadpool screams. "You go commando? Damn! I can tell what religion you are!"

"Deadpool!"

"I know that there is some junk in that trunk!" Deadpool says in a flirty tone.

"Deadpool!" Spider-Man feels his face heat up.

"It's all good in the hood." Deadpool changes his tone into a seductive one. "Or did you undress for me?"

Spider-Man swings away in disgust. Deadpool, offended, quickly follows him.

"Wait! I thought our date was going so well!"

Deadpool crashes into Spider-Man. Since Spider-Man is stronger, he falls flat on his back. Spider-Man looks up in horror. Why feelings or expressions have to be described since this is not a comic and you simply have to imagine how they look makes that last sentence simply redundant.

"Daily Bugle photographers." Spider-Man gazes upon the helicopter above them. "Looks like they want my picture bad!"

"So do I! Preferably the naughty ones."

"Now's not the time to play!" Spider-Man swings off. Deadpool holds him from behind.

"That's okay. I can do it rough or gentle."

If you want to get to the juicy stuff, just press the CTRL and F button at the same time. There should be a box depending on what browser you use and type in the word 'skip'. This might take a million years.

Did you really just try that? Is their date not good enough? Can there be no development in the relationship? Is it impossible for the sexy and well-packaged Deadpool to capture the ravishing Spider-Man's heart? Does Deadpool need a Hipster's fucking help to get a piece of Spider-Man's luscious ass? Shit! Baby boy is all worked up!

"This is bad!" Spider-Man shrieks.

"Do you wanna kiss goodbye?"

"The media will have a field day."

Okay. Stop. Just stop. This is so totally not what would like happen. The Daily Bugle wouldn't go this far to get a picture. They are all too fucking incompetent to formulate this notion. That is why J. Jonah Jameson pussy whips Peter like a fucking slave. That alone is so fucking ironic. This is so out of character.

Fuck! Shit! Dammit! No! There has to be a storyline! How can this be possible? Yanked and falling from the sky! Can't help the screaming! If this is the last chapter of the story, at least Deadpool got some kisses!

Spider-Man spots a falling civilian from the Daily Bugle building! Hate that this precious, talented, entertaining writer has to be used as a pawn to play hostage to that damn walking avocado! Scared as hell. This is it. This is the last chapter of the story.

Guess not. Life is good! Thankfully, Spider-Man caught the poor hostage in time using a web. Deadpool turned a change of heart and used smoke bombs to chase the helicopter away. It was so cool! It happened so fast! Oh, and Deadpool landed on top of Spider-Man not crushing those toned legs. Now have that selfie as a profile picture. Epic picture for an epic profile.

"Remember," Deadpool starts.

Oh god. Don't take out the bullets, Deadpool. This is so transparent of you to discard the guns to win over Spider-Man. Don't destroy them! Some of those go for $500 on Ebay!

"Stay in school and guns are bad." Deadpool gazes at Spider-Man. "Sometimes, it takes almost losing someone to realize what needs to change."

The poor, modest hostage has to walk away just to give those two a sentimental moment.

"I can't think straight with you." Spider-Man admits.

"Try my life!"

Spider-Man looks down in silence. They are on top of his apartment building. Last week is a blur to him. He takes a deep sigh. "Was that real?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did we kiss?"

"Oh, we kissed. You even moaned my name." Deadpool strokes Spider-Man's bottom. "Can't help grabbing that booty! You're just so cute, baby boy!"

"More like plain looking."

Deadpool leans forward. "Try me."

Look who decided to skip all the way down to the juicy stuff. Did you really think for a minute there would be instructions that are a straight up lie? Now that would be just plain stupid. This is the sweet romance you all have been waiting for!

Try me, Deadpool says.

Challenge accepted.

"And from Not A Hipster, this is You're The Inspiration!" A radio announcer says out of nowhere. Peter doesn't even think there ae ever any speakers on the rood.

The lights. Peter remembers the giant lights. He saw Deadpool's costume more than ever. Deadpool never looked more glorious.

As the first line plays, Deadpool slowly rubs his palms together. Spider-Man covers his mask.

"What a coincidence. This song reminds me of you."

"Does it really?"

"Do you trust me?" Deadpool holds out his hand.

"What?"

"Do you trust me?" Deadpool repeats.

It takes Spider-Man a minute to answer. "Yes." He says. Spider-Man takes his hand.

Before he knew it, he is dancing in Deadpool's. At least the helicopter is gone now. J. Jonah Jameson would have made a lot of money for this moment.

Is their love meant to be? The kind of love that last forever? Does he want Deadpool to be here with him? Deadpool certainly does. From tonight until the end of time. Spider-Man should know. Everywhere he goes. Always in his mind. In his heart, in his soul.

This song is a perfect choice for them. Spider-Man finds his hand Deadpool's where the spaces between his fingers are right where Deadpool's fit perfectly. They both try to lead the other at first, but Deadpool succeeds in that field.

Spider-Man looks intensely at Deadpool. Deadpool carries him with little time to react. The moment was brief. Spider-Man find himself gracefully move to the music. Soon, they were in an embrace. When the chorus hits, Spider-Man smiles so wide that his mask starts to slip off.

They spin in harmony. Spider-Man and Deadpool are inches apart. Deadpool's arms are around Spider-Man's waist. Spider-Man's hands are on Deadpool's shoulder. Spider-Man hasn't felt this much bliss lately.

"Baby, you're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration." Deadpool sings along in Spider-Man's ear.

Spider-Man lets out a chuckle.

"You bring feeling to my life. You're the inspiration." Deadpool continues to serenade.

When the chorus ends, Deadpool lifts Spider-Man's mask for a kiss. Spider-Man quickly pulls his mask down.

"I don't let anyone see my face."

"No one wants to see mine. Kiss me, please." Deadpool begs.


	5. Chapter 5

Here's a question that's probably on your mind, beloved reader. Why did this chapter take so long to finish? Longer than the last chapter? The damn hipster claimed that that the so-called future never-ever-gonna-happen acclaimed writer had some bullshit disease called standards.

Or was it busy with a puppy adoption? No hair, don't care. It didn't want to write another chapter until it saw all my amazement movie. It made the damn low-rate wanna-be author hipster prick with no cajones write the damn story again. See Deadpool.

Freelance hipster Cosmogirl "editor" tried to make the current the latest chapter better. But before we get to that part you have been waiting for so long, thank God that the movie had a Spider-Man reference. It wouldn't be the same without any shoutouts to Spider-Man

Now where were we in the last chapter? Oh yeah. Right where the steamy kiss was. Right, the kiss. Will they kiss? Knowing the direction this fanfiction is going, there is a very high chance they will. Ok enough time wasting.

Spiderman doesn't know what to do. After everything they have been through, he still isn't sure about his feelings. He needs some time to make up his mind.

As Spider-Man decides whether or not to make this regret, let's make fun of the fact that the only time Deadpool can get laid is with a cheap, horrified blowup doll. Not even an actual woman wants to get paid to do the do with the world's biggest raisin.

Wait. What? No way. Someone had sex with Mr. Clean's ugly twin? Who? Death? Cable? Are they even alive? Guess it's what the inside that counts. I still feel sorry for them.

5 minutes passes. 20 minutes passes. A hundred years passes. When hell freezes passes. Is Spider-Man EVER going to kiss him or not so we can move on?! HUH? HUH?! IS THIS ALL A BIG JOKE TO YOU?

"Hello?! World's Biggest Hipster Cockblocker?!"

Wait.

What?

You talking to me? You talking to me? You talking to me? Then who the hell else are you talking...you talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

How can this one even be explained to Spider-Man? How? Sigh. Land on roof. Clear throat.

"Just do it!" Recently saved hostage screams from the roof. However that thing got there is a mystery. "Make your implemented masturbation fantasy come true!"

Spider-Man can't muster a response. If he really knew how ugly Deadpool actually is, he wouldn't have a problem to decide. But as far as he knows, he is nervous to kiss such a handsome man. How did he deserve this?

Deadpool slowly lifts his mask. So fucking slow that Spider-Man begins to bite his lip.

"You turn me on when you bite your lips like that."

Hey, can't blame Deadpool for that comment. Lip biting is a nice thing to see. It isn't a terrible reference. Just a terrible fanfiction turned published terrible novel turned shittier movie just figured that out. What a crock pot of shit!

No, you haven't missed any juicy stuff. You just saved a lot of time to read Spider-Man make his move.

So after what feels like an eternity, they exchange a kiss. Spider-Man closes his eyes. He leaves a peck on the lips. I think throwing an ice cube at someone would leave more of an impact than that tiny kiss.

But that kiss was enough for Deadpoool. Deadpool grabs Spider-Man's face, removes the mask, and just plain Frenches him. Spider-Man opens his eyes in shock, in confusion and a spontaneous reminder to turn in a 10 page essay on the life cycle of a hummingbird pops up in his mind. And he didn't notice the UnDead's true form.

"Took you long enough." Deadpool hisses to the obnoxious egocentric wanna be producer asshat.

Spider-Man lifts his mask only to reveal his lips and some of his hair. He closes his eyes and leans forward to kiss again. "Uh, good night."

As he swings away, Spider-Man's costume lifts up for Deadpool to see those abs. What an athletic body Spider-Man has. Not ripped like Deadpool, but enough for someone to look twice.

Oh god. Does a Deadpool jacking off scene has to be included in this story? There are some fans that won't be judged, but is it really that vital? It is really obvious and expected for that type of reaction?

Gwen exits from the cafe. It is dark outside with dimmed street lights. Spider-Man happens to swing by. Don't worry. This scene won't be long. Promise.

Gwen blinks twice. "Spider-Man?"

"That's right!" Spider-Man hangs upside. "Your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!"

It may be night, but Gwen had a light glowing around her. He may be Spider-Man now, but he will always be Peter Parker. Or vice versa. It also could be midnight that he stumbles his words which only he seems to notice. There is so much about her. Her long golden hair, her ice blue eyes, her pearly white smile.

He bit his tongue as the thought of Gwen able to resemble a female Deadpool crosses his mind. How and why does Deadpool stay glued to his mind?

"Do you need to get home?"

"Sure!"

Spider-Man props Gwen onto his back. "Hold on tight."

The stars, they were out tonight. Gwen holds onto Spider-Man tight. They nearly hit glass buildings. Spider-Man kept his mouth shut. Any second, he could laugh his goofy laugh out of nervousness and like he would take that chance.

"Right there!" Gwen points to her house.

Really? I MEAN REALLY. Who thought this was a great idea to include this in a fucking Spider-Man and Deadpool love story?

"Well, here you are."

"Thank you." Gwen kisses Spider-Man on the cheek.

Fucking two-bit hipster hack! Someone who takes so fucking long with their fucking job! YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Who the fuck is so cruel that the only defense they could come up with would be a swing at the nuts! What the fuck is wrong with you\?!

Further comments retracted.

"Ya know what?" Deadpool speaks after 15 minutes of incredibly awkward silence. "I just wanna explore that body! Maybe just a little!"

Wait. Hold on. Doesn't someone need to be checked on?

'Why is it we are so unlucky with love?' That damn annoying Irrational Voice whines.

Someone that has to be fed and needs help to find the fridge?

'We already look, and smell, like a rotting corpse. Who would want to be seen with us?' Logical says.

Forget it. You dead meat.

"Just because I showed Spidey a picture from, say, a long time ago doesn't mean I lied."

'But we don't look like that now.' Logical reminds Deadpool.

'Aw! What he doesn't know won't hurt him.' Irrational says.

"Maybe I should show my face first."

Whoa. Deadpool has a conscience?

"After I get plastic surgery to look like Ryan Reynolds."

'If you really want to win Spider-Man over, you should say you won't kill anymore.'

Never mind. Deadpool is hopeless.

Let's see what Spidey's doing. Peter staples his paper together. He lets out a huge yawn. "Finally got everything done." Peter passes out.

Peter wakes up by a knock to his door. "Peter?" May calls. "A friend of yours is here."

"Peter? Did I wake you up?" Harry's voice says. "I thought you'd like a ride."

"A ride?" Peter yawns loudly. Peter folds his glasses. He lets them hang on his shirt collar. "But I always take the subway."

Actually, he always swings over Manhattan as Spider-Man. Better than sitting next to someone fat, stinky, and creepy.

"Instead of getting up hours to ride a crowded train, you can sit comfortably." Harry punches Peter's shoulder. "Come on. We'll leave in 30 minutes."

"Are you serious?" Peter decides he is awake enough to wear his glasses. "It's New York. The traffic is horrible. And parking is expensive."

"I don't mind. We can pick up some coffee on the way."

"And you wanna know why I don't drive?"

"Because driving in New York is a rich person thing?" They state at the same time.

Harry and Peter both laugh. "Jinx!"

"Why don't you try the subway for a day?"

"Me?" Harry says. "This would be my first time."

"It's easy. I'll teach you everything you need to know."

Peter and Harry enter the subway. Harry attempts in vain to hold Peter's hand, but Peter leaves his hand in his pocket. The subway is crowded. Peter and Harry stand near the door.

Harry notices that Peter starts to form a grin on his face, even turning rosy. Harry now has a smirk on his face.

"Did you get some last night?"

"Get what?"

"You know." Harry gives a wink. "From the blonde waitress."

"Sort of. But,"

"But?"

"I got some tongue."

Harry bit his tongue before answering. He gives off a weak, forced smile. "Nice! Did you squeeze a tit?" Harry made light scratches on his chest. "Like this? Or did you use your tongue on it?" Harry wiggles his tongue.

"What would you ask me a question like that?"

"Psst!" A voice from the other side of the subway cart is heard.

Harry glances at Peter. "Is he talking to you?"

Wade shakes his head. "Next to you, eh."

Someone leaves their seat. Cable seats himself near Wade.

"I thought you said inconspicuous." Wade whispers in his normal voice. "You look like Godzilla on a trip to Hawaii!"

"Have you gotten anything about Norman Osborn?"

Deadpool pulls out some files. "Right here. Why are we working together again? Spider-Man at least makes jokes."

"It looks like you haven't wasted time."

"Time waster? Me? Nah. I'm spying on Osborn's son."

"My god. Looks just like Osborn. When he was at his prime."

Peter bites his lip. Harry, as the tease he is, licks his own lips. "You turn me on when you bite your lips like that."

"Oh, come on!" Wade shouts.

Everyone turns their head towards Wade. A disgruntled individual who happens to observe the commotion forcefully pushes Peter out of the subway.

Unfortunately for the tourist, it finds itself at the bottom where the tracks lie. A train is about to approach its way. It struggles to climb up.

Peter hides in the shadows. He removes his clothing, revealing his costume. Deadpool teleports to the tracks next the soon to be roadkill. The tourist glares at the sight of Deadpool. The model tourist attempts to punch Deadpool. It falls on its handsome face.

The tourist sees that their wrist is covered in webbing. The tourist grins from ear to ear.

"Let me give you a boost, you piece of shit." Deadpool lifts the innocent mortal and throws the tourist at Spider-Man. Lots of crashing into this story. Ouch. This throws Spider-Man off so much that he throws the tourist back in the train tracks. Brilliant. Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, everyone.

"This creature pops up all over the place. It's like this fucking hipster has no time to develop more characters."

"Deadpool?" Spider-Man says. "What on earth are you doing down there?"

"Just getting off on trains. I love me some trains."

The tourist jumps up and down in desperation for its pathetic life. The egomaniac lets out a worried gasp. Spider-Man and Deadpool sees the train approach closer.

"Quick! We have to save that person!"

"Got it!"

The poor future roadkill is too wimpy to grab onto Deadpool or Spider-Man's arm. Tourist bursts into a fit of tears out of frustration.

The train approaches fast. Seconds tick by. 10 feet away from Deadpool and tourist. It would be impossible to save them both. Unless. Spider-Man remembers the teleporter.

"Deadpool, use that teleporter!"

"Do you think that will work?"

"Save me! The train is almost here!" The average tourist cries out.

'That is a long time for a train to hit this thing.' says Irrational Voice.

As soon as Deadpool activates the teleporter, Spider-Man shoots a web within the range.

"Teleport back now!"

The web grabs onto Deadpool and the victim. Spider-Man pulls back a millisecond after the web touches their bodies. The train is closer than an inch to them. Deadpool activates the teleporter. The train passes by.

Deadpool and the tourist are safe on the platform. As the dust hits their noses, Deadpool and the tourist stand right next to Spider-Man. Everyone claps for the superheroes.

While the saved person looks around the station in disbelief, Harry arrives at the station with a reporter next to him. Spider-Man turns away. Betty.

"I didn't know she is a reporter now!"

"New York has just observed Spider-Man saved a young teenager from meeting a demise on the subway. Do you have comments on his heroic act?" Betty reports perfectly unnaturally.

"How?" The tourist says in confusion. "That was scientifically impossible!"

"Spider-Man, how were you able to save someone so quickly?"

"Well, I have to say it was easy. I just,"

The cameras focus on Spider-Man.

The dead meat tiptoes silently to finish the last page. Dead meat almost reaches the top step when he is caught by Deadpool.

"You!" Deadpool hisses. "I am not to about to fall into your jealously drama trap!"

Deadpool reaches for a bucket of white-out. The smartest idiot in the bunch flees to the nearest trash can. Deadpool pours the magic eraser onto the reporters.

"What just happened?" Spider-Man casually asks.

"We saved an annoying hipster. And then the fan said we make a cute couple."

"I," Spider-Man clears his throat. "Thanks for helping me."

"Anything for my baby boy!" Deadpool leaves a kiss on Spider-Man's lips.

"Deadpool! Not in public!"

"No one's here! And if any nosy bastards walk by, let them look!"

DISGUSTING.

"And where shall we have our date, baby boy?"

"How about the ESU roof? Maybe we will see the stars tonight."

"Empire State University?" Deadpool notices the backpack lying around. He observes the textbooks inside. "Wait, how old are you?"

"How old do you think I am?"

"I'm 23, so you know. Say, those look like Undergraduate books."

Stop pulling things out of your ass, Deadpool! ULTIMATE MARY SUE.

"Don't tell me you're 17!"

"I'm not! I'm 18!"

"Hah! You're shitting me!"

"I've been fighting crime for 3 years now! Didn't you notice?"

Deadpool chokes on his tongue. "But, but you're so young." Deadpool faces the ground. "Well, I feel sheepish."

"You can say that again."

"Does that mean I'm not creepy?"

"Not as creepy as you look."

Ooh! Sick burn! Deadpool Ego took 9000.001 damage.

"I thought what we had was special!" Deadpool sobs in Spider-Man's arms.

"I feel different when I am with you! Besides, what's so bad about my age?"

"Nothing! It's just,"

They stand there in dead silence. With little to say, Spider-Man starts to head back to his house.

"Is that it?" Deadpool asks. "Is this the end of our love?"

"I gotta go."

"Wait!" Deadpool grabs Spider-Man's arm. "I had enough of our little love affair! I want to go on a date."

"A date?"

"An actual date. Not on some roof. Like a movie, dinner, and making out."

Deadpool pins Spider-Man on the ground.

"So baby boy, do you want to look at my movie? That movie you said would never happen? That made more money than all of your movies combined?"

'It's true. Google it.' Says Illogical.

'Where was our part in the movie?' says Logical.

Spider-Man sighs.

While Spiderman makes up his mind, the hostage decides to use these precious seconds to swift kick Deadpool. Deadpool looks up to see who it is. Not this annoying bastard again. Deadpool grits his teeth.

"Look, writer. I know I just magically tossed you to your death during the slow dance scene, but what is your problem?"

"You shot me!" The writer bellows in a booming voice.

"When?"

The writers scoffs. "Don't tell me you don't remember!"

Writer knocks on Deadpool's head. "Hello? Hello, anyone home? Think, Deadpool, think! Chapter 1? Don't make me talk any more than I need to!"

"Wait? You were the thug? But you died!"

"Fictional characters never, ever die!"

"Why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?"

Deadpool clutches Unindentified Hipster's neck. Deadpool tosses the Hipster That Just Won't Die off the subway. Spider-Man can hear a loud noise that shouts Deadpool's name.

"Listen, do you wanna go see a movie or?" Deadpool points to the billboard. "My movie to make it even better?"

Spider-Man laughs out loud.

"Cruel."

"Your marketing hates you!"

Deadpool turns his head. When he sees the ad, he makes a dramatic gasp. There were only 3 images. A skull, the happy poop face, and a middle finger that looks like the letter L.

'It's like someone wanted revenge on us.' says the Logical Voice.

"I love it!" Deadpool cheers.

"You love it?" Spider-Man crosses his arms. "Don't you think it's a little juvenile?"

"It's so beautiful! It summaries everything about me!"

'Wouldn't someone else take that message as 'you're a piece of shit with no soul that should go fuck himself'?' says Logical.

"There is no way your movie made more money than mine!"

"And my movie had early showings far from the opening day. That's how amazing it is. Tell you what," Deadpool wraps his arms around Spider-Man's neck. "Let's go see it."

Watch out, Deadpool. If your ego gets too big, your head will explode.

"The movie will be out for Valentine's Day." Deadpool strokes Spider-Man's face.

"My mask."

"Aaaand we can both go in costume! Please! I'll pay for the popcorn."

"I don't know."

"If you like my movie, I get another date. If you don't, I'll leave you alone for good."

"That confident, huh?"

Deadpool nods. "I gotta be honest with you, baby boy."

"What?"

Deadpool holds Spider-Man's hand. He bends down on one knee. "Show me."

"I'm sorry?"

"I see it now. Listen, I love you. I want to be with you. Ever since our time together, I get it. I understand what it means to be a hero."

"What are you saying?"

Deadpool pulls in Spider-Man for a hug. "I'm the worst." Deadpool sniffs. "I thought the only way to go through life is to be financially secure. I justify murder by saying it's only for income."

"Deadpool."

"But I was wrong." Spider-Man can see tears fall out of Deadpool's face. "I know why you didn't want to be with me before. But I want to make a promise that I'll do my damnest to keep. I'm not going to kill anymore. I don't want to kill anymore. I won't kill anymore."

Deadpool turns away. "I can't even look at you knowing what I've done. I'm not going to kill anyone. It makes me sick now. Especially for money."

Spider-Man puts his hand on Deadpool's shoulder. "Listen, Deadpool. Nobody's perfect. Let me tell you a secret. I first wanted to use my powers for fame and fortune. But they didn't pay in full. I let a robber go free and I paid the price for it. That robber killed my uncle. So I can understand how you feel. If you are going to become a hero, I will go to the movies with you."

Suddenly, Deadpool makes a panicked noise. "I gotta go! I just remembered to feed my prisoner cook cleaning lady. I'll see ya tomorrow!" Deadpool teleports away.

"Ok. Bye." It takes a few seconds for Spider-Man to process Deadpool's words. "Prisoner?!"

'It took 5 chapters to remember Blind Al. God, she will kick your ass.' says Logical.

Will Spider-Man enjoy their movie date? Will Deadpool finally score? Will Blind Al actually kick his ass? Will the next chapter ever get done? Find out when the next chapter finally releases! And don't forget, see Deadpool the epic awesome movie!


	6. Chapter 6

Deadpool teleports in front of Blind Al.

In response, Al swats her hand in the air. Al scratches Deadpool's face. Al flinches her hand back. She moves her hand to Deadpool's crotch. Blind Al proceeds to smack Deadpool with her cane. Deadpool rubs his swollen balls.

"Ah! Bitch!" Deadpool whines.

"Where the hell have you been?" Al screeches.

"Getting some. I left you some pizza and CD's while I was gone."

"I oughta kill you! If I can!"

"Is it because you're blind or I'm immortal?"

Al takes another swing at Deadpool's groin; she obviously misses.

"So how did you enjoy your prison palace?"

"Better without your masturbation noise." Al spats.

Before Al could swing a hit again, Deadpool sets her on a chair. "I'm so sorry for flaking on you. I wanna ask you something."

Al crosses her arms in awaitment for the answer.

"Let's say you're really into someone that you have no chance in hell to get. It's not bad if I tell a little harmless lie, is it?"

"Umm, Wade?"

"I lied for a very good reason!"

"If this is about how you look, I can't judge. Since you know, I'm fucking blind."

"I need to make a quick call." Deadpool dials his cell phone.

How fast can you make it? For that cheap? Don't worry about it, Bob." Deadpool hangs up. "Nosy tool." Deadpool holds up his index finger towards Al. "I'll be right back."

Deadpool teleports to a tiny shithouse. Bob is asleep cradled to whatever the fuck Deadpool had agreed to pay for. The thing that will be revealed right away is priced as $50.

Deadpool flicks Bob's head. Bob yawns loudly. Bob the Baby snorts. "Wade, hi!"

"Can you make me attractive?"

Bob lifts his eyebrows. Big Baby Bob gasps soon after. Bob the Boob reaches for a hug. "Wadey, I'm so happy!"

Deadpool reluctantly hugs Bob. Deadpool slowly nods. Douchepool pats Bob on the shoulder. "I'd knew you understand!"

Deadpool and Bob try a pandering costume. With this sellout look, Deadpool has emo black hair, a hooked nose, a long black robe, and sports a deep, British accent.

"In slow motion, the flowers fell from my hand, and shattered like glass. And when I looked into the mirror, I was a beautiful milkmaid, but then I woke up crying, and I don't know why. I mean, turn to page 394."

"Well, I once had a dream that I was flew over the rainbow after Dorothy sang waaay up hiiigh!"

"I don't know, Bob. I think this would make Spidey run away." Deadpool tosses his hair. "I think the goth outfit is a little too much."

"I think we gotta go to the next level:" Bob holds star-shaped sunglasses and a rainbow foil looking shirt. "Peacock outfits."

"So I write the most romantic song in the Lion King, and everyone sings along to the wannabe king one! It's such bullshit." Deadpool plays the piano dreadfully.

Bob shakes his head. "We gotta hide your whole face or we'll get sued."

"Looks like you make something that looks like my old self?"

"But I like this look! You'll be famous!"

"Rolling like thunder under the covers/And I guess that's why they call it the blues." Bob and Deadpool sing at the same time.

Finally, Deadpool resembles..well, what would you do if your mother asked you? He's Canadian; he's famous; he's the foil to Robert Patterson. And he looks like if Deadpool wasn't morphed with a shar-pei.

"Pour some sugar on me/Ooh in the name of love/Pour some sugar on me/C'mon fire me up/Pour your sugar on me." Not-Ryan Reynolds dances and sings in the most over-the-top way possible. "Yeah yeah yeah! Deadpoool!" The awful song session ends with a vulgar pelvic thrust.

'Where are the Deadpool dolls from chapter 1?' says Illogical.

'It has been a while since we were in this story.' says Logical.

'Do you think we will disappear?' says Illogical.

'Depends how difficult we are to write.' says Logical.

'I hope we come back soon.' says Illogical.

Instead of the Deadpool dolls, there is one person in the audience. He attempts to make a standing ovation, even though he was the only audience member in this Deadpool moment. He claps. He claps harder. Wait a minute.

'Is that Ryan Reynolds?' says Illogical

'It is! Ryan Reynolds just has to be in Deadpool everything, does he?!' says Logical.

"Get out of here!" Writer shouts. The sourpuss sprays water at Ryan Reynolds.

Ryan Reynolds prances away with childish glee. But before he leaves...Agh. Ya can't believe this is an actual narration. Ryan Reynolds pulls out two plastic swords. Ryan Reynolds squeals, "I am Deadpool!" He starts to wear Deadpool's mask on his face. Ryan Reynolds cries "CHIMICHANGA" before dancing away.

"I'm tired of this motherfucking hipster in this motherfucking story!" Deadpool switches to a deep, scary as fuck voice. Deadpool points at the innocent writer. "If you're gonna be a shitty wingman, you need to fuck off!"

After the goddamn hinderance is gone, Bob and Deadpool finally finishes Deadpool's makeover from the botched Lumpy Space Princess botox'd look.

Deadpool gazes upon the latex face. "I'll tell Spidey someday." Deadpool sighs deeply. Deadpool hides a hundred bucks on top of Bob's fridge.

Deadpool teleports back to Al.

"Would it be bad if I dolly up for my date?"

"Is that's what this is? Oh my god, you're killing me!" Al screeches.

"I was just asking!" Deadpool lounges on the couch. He sighs to himself. He shifts his sight to Al. Deadpool reaches in to hug her.

"Hey. Thanks." Deadpool whimpers.

"Wade? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"For all the times that we spent together. When you cook my meals,clean my pigsty and be there for my tears. Tissues and Haagen-Dazs I never got a chance to say it, so I'm saying it now."

Al smiles. "Wade, at first, I thought you only cared about the ransom money. But as I got to know you, I realized you were just lonely."

"I know." Wade lets a tear escape from his eyes. "And I'm sorry."

"What soft spot is there that made you act like this? I know that soft spot isn't me."

"You are still not leaving."

"Can't say I didn't try."

Somewhere out there is a insignificant extra who decided to vomit for no reason. Just before you know it, date time!

Peter paces in the theater hallway. "I can't believe it. I'm going on a date. I agreed to go on a date with Deadpool."

Peter smashes his head on a wall. "What in the world made me want Deadpool out of all people? Suppressed desire? Rebellion? Typical Parker luck?" Peter enters the bathroom.

Peter and Deadpool bump into each other. Peter bites his lip, nervous as hell. Deadpool stands completely still.

"Not you again!" Deadpool grabs Peter by the arm. "I thought I told you to fuck off!" Deadpool throws Peter out the restroom. Rubble has fallen into Peter's shirt.

"Are you okay?" A witness helps Peter up.

"Yeah." Peter removes his glasses. "Some people are really excited for this movie."

"I guess." Random witness shoots a glare at Deadpool. "That guy obviously got some issues. We look nothing alike." The thing suddenly smiles, adjusting one's coat." Overstayed its welcome witness waves goodbye. "Enjoy your movie. It is the greatest!"

Just like that, the witness strolls away fulfilled of pleasure that the movie had been an enjoyable experience. But before it does get a chance to leave, someone throws a paper wad at it.

Ryan Reynolds appears in the chapter again. Giggling. Ryan Reynolds pulls down his pants, epically he moons the poor thing.

"What the hell, Ryan Reynolds?" Whatever its name says.

"I am Deadpool! Ya! Ya! Ya!" Ryan Reynolds skips away. He declares this tibit, strokes the nipples, and straight up disappears. "If I could lactate, I'd never buy milk at the store again!"

"What the fuck was that?" Deadpool says. In his normal voice. Completely unmasked.

Peter cringes at the sight of Deadpool. Writer sighs. Don't ask how some of us own the neuraliser.

So much for being a wingman to Garfield's half-digested lunch.

"Jerk with a Piehole!" The thing hisses. "You forgot your Blondie wig!" It shoves the wig in Deadpool's face.

"Hey, thanks!" Deadpool ruffles the thing's shaggy head. "You aren't as much as an asshole as I thought!"

Peter swings into those giant stalls. "How will I know which one is the real Deadpool?" He puts on his mask; he begins to unbutton his shirt.

"Right here!" Deadpool bursts the stall door open with his foot. "I would know that voice anywhere!"

"Didn't your mother taught you to knock? What if I was naked like a newborn baby?"

"My mother can't even spell the word Z." Deadpool casually responds. "So how long were you gonna hide from me?"

"I, I was about to go inside."

"Me too! I got the popcorn." Deadpool singsongs his way inside.

After too many obnoxious fans pose for some pictures with them, the movie starts. Within the first five seconds, everyone was laughing. Gotta give credit where it is due.

"Overpaid tool?" Spider-Man chuckles.

"My signature handiwork."

Spider-Man laughs. Usually, he controls the sound of his laughter. But this time, Deadpool got him to laugh his actual laugh. His real laugh was dorky snorts in between some giggles.

"Cutsie!"

"Shut up!" Spider-Man snorts.

Blah blah blah. Movie happens. OH YEAH. Jabba the Hutt's son is shown how ugly he actually is! Try making an excuse for this.

"I make myself ugly to the public so I can have only baby boy chase after me."

Throughout the movie, Spider-Man is amused, completely relaxed. Deadpool pretends to yawn, rests his arm around Spider-Man's shoulder. In the stolen notes, this WAS gonna be their first kiss. Deadpool lays a few kisses on Spider-Man's cheek. This date is going surprisingly well.

"You know your love was meant to beeeeee~" The music blasts in the theater.

"Hey!" Someone in the audience yells.

"The kind of love that lasts forever." Seriously?!

"Oh shit." Deadpool whispers to himself.

"That's the song we danced to." Spider-Man comments.

"And I want you here with me." Sir, you are pitiful!

Deadpool turns around to see a certain audience member with a huge frown on their face. Spider-Man laughs, no attention Deadpool at all.

When the chorus plays, someone taps Deadpool's shoulder. Deadpool feels something in his gut.

'Couldn't be. Nobody sat next to us when the movie started.' says Voice 1 and Voice 2.

Deadpool turns to his side. Not only is the meddling hipster sitting next to him, but the hipster has a strong expression. It in't angry, nor is it blank. It is smiling. But it isn't an actual smile. It is that smile you see a serial killer have on their face as you cling to the remaining last seconds of your life.

Before the chorus ends, the screen bursts open! Audience member screams at the sight.

It's the Green Goblin! In all its mighty, ugly glory! Here comes the ham and cheese!

"Spiiiiiiiiiddeeeeerr-Maaaan!" Goblin booms. "I have come to destroooy yoooooouu!"

"Who the fuck are you?" Deadpool exclaims.

"It is I, The Green Goblin! Almighty, powerful, clever, strong enough to take over the world! While others have failed to stop you, you have yet to face a challenge that is me! Once I rid of Spider-Man and Discount Spider-Man, I will take over the world!"

Spider-Man and Deadpool both groan. Spider-Man and Deadpool rest on the other's shoulders.

"Oh, great! An unfunny, droaner who will defeat us with boredom!" Deadpool cries.

"What?" Green Goblin shouts. "I can be funny! Watch! Knock-knock."

"Who's there?" Deadpool and Spider-Man ask in a monotone voice. They remain perfectly still.

"Red."

"Red who?" The heroes continue in the same attitude.

"Ready or not, it's Goblin tiiiiiiiime!"

"Awful! Hey, Gobleck! Knock knock!" Spider-Man says.

"Who's there?"

"Cheese!"

"Cheese who?"

"Cheese, that joke was baaad."

"I got a joke too!" Deadpool joins. "Knock knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Boo!"

"Boo who?"

"What you crying about? Oh yeah! A boot to the face, eh!" Deadpool kicks Goblin in the face. Because it looks like Deadpool can do anything, Goblin falls to the ground.

"Get it? 'Cause I'm Canadian!"

"Impressive!" Goblin weakly croaks.

"Just kidding." Goblin recovers from the hit. "Would you like to see my bag of tricks?" He pulls out a pumpkin. No. It is not a pumpkin. It is actually a bomb.

'The torture! Cliches! Noooo!' Which voice said that?!

Spider-Man attempts to punch Goblin. Goblin grabs his wrist. Goblin throws Spider-Man out of the theater room. Deadpool dashes to Spider-Man as the Marvel theme song plays on an endless loop.

"Nobody puts Baby Boy in a corner."

Spider-Man grabs Deadpool's hand. Deadpool helps Spider-Man up. Goblin makes a hiss at the both of them. What, does he think this is, WWE or some fake-ass shit?

"Ready, baby boy?"

"More than anything."

Deadpool reaches for Spider-Man's hand. Spider-Man grabs Deadpool's hand at the same time. Strong, but assuring grip. Can we get an aww over here!

Spider-Man shoots a web on top of Goblin's hoverboard. Deadpool shoots Goblin with a stun gun. As Goblin struggles to attack them, the hoverboard spirals out of control. Goblin grabs the hoverboard. Spider-Man slings a web at the board.

Goblin flies away while Spider-Man clings on. Deadpool teleports on top on the hoverboard.

"Where did you get your costume? You're as scary as a tacky haunted house!"

"How do you do that?" Goblin is so startled he crashes the three. The hoverboard stays afloat a boat.

"Curses!" Puke Green Stain spouts out a cliche! "Foiled! By Spider-Man and Discount Spider-Man!"

"The name is Deadpool." Deadpool points a gun at Goblin. "Merc with the motherfucking mouth."

Deadpool is ready, just about to pull the trigger.

"Wait."

'Wait? Spider-Man tells us to wait.' says Ilogical.

'Remember that lie?' says Logical.

Deadpool remembers. The gun is aimed at Goblin. Deadpool lowers the gun.

"I can't. I thought I could. But I can't." Nice coverup.

"But I can!" Goblin snatches the gun. A web removes the gun from Goblin's grubby hands.

"Nobody is gonna shoot anybody." Spider-Man hollers. "You had this fight a long time coming, Green Goblin. Or did you run out of cronies to send?"

"Let's end this." Goblin snarls.

"Ladies first!" Spider-Man cracks his knuckles, stretches the fingers, open and closes the hand, and tighten his hands into fists.

Goblin leaps back onto the hoverboard. Bullets fly out. Spider-Man flees from the bullets. Deadpool rushes to use the teleporter. But before Spider-Man can reach Deadpool, Goblin flies behind Spider-Man.

"Shit!" Deadpool grips onto a hammer he might as well pull out of his ass. "Where the hell did they go?"

The answer is on a balcony. Now go teleport over there! Hurry! Goblin grips onto Spider-Man's head. Spider-Man elbows Goblin before his head could hit a window. Deadpool teleports next to them. Deadpool has Goblin by the balls. Pizzastain smashes Goblin against a window.

"Stop hitting yourself!" Deadpool smashes again. "Stop hitting yourself!" Glass bounces off the windows. "Mother Mary, I swear I wanna change! But I guess that's just the way the story goes."

"I'll take it from here, Deadpool." Spider-Man shoots a web at a wall. "This is personal."

Spider-man punches Goblin in the chest. Goblin punches Spider-Man in the gut. Spider-Man dodges the next punch. Spider-Man swings behind Goblin. Goblin turns around and throws Spider-Man off the balcony. Jesus. Why don't they join a Disney stuntshow? They might as well have a slapfight the way the action is going.

Goblin pulls a knife out of one of Deadpool's belts. He cuts the belt on Deadpool's right thigh. Deadpool shoots at Goblin. Another gun falls to the ground. Goblin swiftly steals that gun. Goblin combines the gun powder with a pumpkin looking grenade.

Goblin is ready to throw the grenade. He drifts a distance from Deadpool. Spider-man does a cartwheel of some sort. Spider-Man yanks the wires out of Goblin's hoverboard. The hoverboard malfunctions, shooting Goblin up into the air. Boom! Pretty fireworks! Spider-Babe and Douchepool have saved the day! Unsurprisingly, Goblin is about to land on the concrete.

"You know what they say!" Deadpool snickers. "What goes up must come down!"

"Deadpool! Throw me!"

"What?" Deadpool clings to Spider-Man. "Why? He tried to kill us!"

"Two wrongs don't make a right!" Spider-man gulps with a huge lump in his throat. "You want to be a hero. Heroes don't kill. I'm gonna help you stray to the right path."

"Baby boy," Deadpool's tone switches to a sorrow one.

"This is a good start. I want to be with you too. I do want to show you the way. I want to help you change for the better."

Deadpool lights up from these sentimental words. "Okay. You're right, baby boy." Deadpool lifts Spider-Man in the air, holding his waist. "Go get them, cupcake!"

"When I say now, throw me!"

Goblin is close to 50 feet. Bye, bye you trash.

"Now!"

Deadpool throws Spider-Man. Spider-Man shoots a web. Spider-Man turns a 360 angle, forming a web mattress for Goblin to land on. As Goblin lands on the web, Spider-Man lands on top of a taxi."

"I fallen and I can't get up!" Goblin groans. "My back!"

"We won't have to deal with him for a while."

Deadpool teleports next to Spider-Man.

"Hey, Deadpool."

"You ain't scared anymore?"

"Your teleporter isn't the the worst thing about you." Spider-Man snorts, playfully punches Deadpool in the shoulder.

"We did it!" Deadpool punches back.

"Yeah." Spider-Man huffs. "We did." Spider-Man punches again.

"Our first fight together as a couple!" Deadpool punches.

"Whoa! Who said we were together?"

'Me!' says Illogical.

'Me!' says Logical.

"Everyone!" Ryan Reynolds cheers. "I am Deadpool!" What's next, a random mandatory Stan Lee cameo?

"Let's celebrate with a kiss!"

Deadpool pulls in Spider-Man for a kiss. A deep kiss. Deadpool nibbles on Spider-Man's lips. Deadpool lifts his leg up. Maybe, just maybe, he grabbed some of that sweet Spider-Can. Hardy har har.

"Now it's your turn!"

"What?"

Did Deadpool decide not to give a fuck anymore and just kiss Spider-Man like that sailor kissed that nurse after World War II ended? I guess it is kinda cute. In a way. If you're really understanding about that sort of shit.

"Isn't this music just soo romantic?"

"What music?"

"You know! The music playing!" Deadpool stealthily points a gun at the Writer's place. He knocks Spider-Man out by accident.

The Writer squints its eyes in fear. "I can't play an instrument."

"Seriously! Are you fucking kidding me?! Bob!"

Bob Blow-hard wears that idiot grin. He nods obediently.

"Play some romantic music, bitch!"

Bob adjusts his violin. He slowly begins to play. Love this one! Earth Angel, Earth Angel. Deadpool hands the talentless hipster the triangle. Deadpool hands them a dollar bill.

Deadpool dreamily sighs as Spider-Man wakes up, his back turned to Deadpool. "Street performer music is the best. With my baby boy!"

Spider-Man sheepishly smiles, not turning around yet. Writer shrugs and just hits the triangle.

"Deadpool, wouldn't this be your moment to kiss me?" Spider-Man chuckles, a joke and a small hope at the same time.

"Do you want it?" Deadpool shits smiles with that shit grin with that shit ego he has.

Spider-Man lifts himself up. He faces Deadpool. As he stands, he spots his mask on the ground.

The vision of your happiness. Hit the triangle at the end of the Oh part. And damn! Spider-Man looks fine! Sorry, Bob! Didn't mean to hit you! Keep playing!

Spider-Man immediately jumps up. He tries to cover his face.

"I saw it! Your face! You're better looking than I thought!"

Deadpool right away kisses Spider-Man. "Baby Boy! How do you have me like you do?"

Have no idea what that means. Not at all.

"You think I look okay?"

"How many times do I have to fucking tell you? You. Look. Hot."

As Deadpool leans in to kiss him, Spider-Man begins to fidget. Then he begins to tremble. "Not so sudden!"

Typical Parker luck alright. Peter accidentally bleeds his lip.

"Watch! I'll take off my mask too!"

'What?' says Illogical.

'Are you sure that is a good idea? What if we look like Iggy Azalea?' says Logical.

"It's only fair you see my face too!" Deadpool strokes Spider-Man's face. Deadpool rips off his mask.

He didn't...

What do you mean hiding his face throughout the whole story was a crappy idea? Spider-man is not gonna fall for that plastic face, is he?

"And you can show me your mug again when you're ready!"

"Oh my god!" Spider-Man falls back. Dark blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, chiseled jaw, perfect pearly white smile. To him, this is Deadpool.

And you'd have thought Spider-Man was the smarter one.

"See! We do make a cute couple!"

"If you do anything to hurt me or my family,"

"Have I tried to hurt you before?"

"Uh, no"

"And I'm not going to start. Anyways, I got a job interview tomorrow. Goodnight. I love you."

"Thanks."

"Stay safe, baby boy!"

"Ok. I l-"

Deadpool teleports away.


End file.
